Horrible Habitual Habits

Thanks so much for the outpouring of support last week. I really appreciate it. Truly. Not just saying that. Even a little bit. Muah.


That being said I wish I could say BAM LOOKY THAT I LOST WEIGHT THIS WEEK.....cause I can't say that.  I didn't lose any this week and it really falls back on me again. I'm going to take a small bite this week and make one change. Then each week add on more disciplines so that I can start weight loss slowly as to not burn out.

I'm going to tackle my ugliest habit first.


The sweets after the kids go to bed. OOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhh the sweets.

It started when the kiddos were itty bitties...I rewarded myself for keeping them alive each day with sweets. "Congrats girl, you kept them breathing--here is some double fudge ice cream. You deserrrrvvvveeeeee it girl. Snaps to you."

This continued during weight loss as bananas and a few choc chips and cool whip.


Then transferred back to dark chocoate, brownies, cookies, oreos, icecream, etc this year.


Sooooooooooooo that has to stop. This week. Sweets after dinner can include bananas, fruit with pb2,  or a pinch (Nooooooooootttt a baggggggggg) of chocolate chips.


Breaking habits are hard. Especially when they are habitual chocolate habits.  I'm breaking free of that cycle this week. Next week, it's the whole bread binge..........oh for the love of hawaiian rolls!

Ugly Truth

Ugly truth. It's all back.


I'm back up to 197.8 as of ten minutes ago. I've gained back all 55 pounds that I lost. In one year I've gone up 4 pant sizes. As well as a closet full of clothes that no longer fit I've gained excuses, sore muscules, winded steps, & a whole heap ton of guilt and shame again.

I sold all my clothes.......in an act of declaring I WILL NEVER BE THIS UNHEALTHY AGAIN last year.  Well, I'm gonna need those back please, because guess what. When I let myself feel comfortable  cracks started forming in my habits. Eventually those cracks became JAGGED BREAKS in my foundation and well......here I am. AGAIN.

It's embarrassing. Yep. It's annoying. It's defeating. It just pisses me off really. But obviously not enough to actually do anything about it.

I feel like a joke. I feel like a fraud. If you looked to this blog for inspiration and motivation I really truly feel like I owe you an apology. Sorry friends, this girl is back at her old habits of blaming situations for my habits & ignoring signs of unhealthy choices in my mind, body, and spirit.

Awesome, right?


Here is the state of Laura. Truthful & honest.

1. I'm tired all the time. I take naps on my days off during my youngest's  naptime because I'm exhausted.

2. My skin itches. It rubs in places that it shouldn't and it's uncomfortable.

3. None of my clothes fit they way I want them to.

4. My relationships suffer. I don't want to get together with friends I haven't seen in a while because I don't want them to see me. I'm sad a lot. Self hate habits have formed again.

5. I get headaches frequently.

6. I realize that if I don't make changes RIGHT NOW, I'm going to only continue to gain weight. My minor health problems will become major & and I will always regret this HUGE backslide.


So why???? Why am I not making the changes? I know what to do. I need to track my food. I need to drink more water. I need to HALT fast food and eating out. I need to take pride in my health. I need to lean in on the Lord. I need to banish self hate. I need to move my body. I need to walk. I need to run. I need to make health a priority again.


So why don't I? Because I'm feeling lazy. It's hard. I feel whiny..... I know how hard I had to work at it and wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel  like acting like my three year old and saying " but I don't wannnnnnnnnnnnnnttttt tooooooooooooooooo."


GROW UP LAURA.  GET IT TOGETHER. Nothing good is coming from these habits that you've created. Get over yourself. DO IT.


I'm going to blog this again. It helped with accountability.  I mean it this time, cuss word.

Hold me accountable.

I'm making a plan and I'll share it as soon as I figure it out.

I Rocked it Until the Wheels Fell Off

It's safe to say that this fall I rocked some stellar bad habits until the healthy train  wheels fell off. and derailed myself. and caught fire. with explosions. Writing this today I'm sitting at my kitchen table wearing some suuuuuppper tight workout gear. I'm totally uncomfortable sitting in my own home wearing this and the jiggle and reflection I saw while doing a Cycle class this morning was enough to make me mad.

I totally get that there are seasons to life. You'll have times of great success and then periods of stagnant growth. And then you'll also have times when it all falls to pieces and you're stuck wondering where the heck did it go wrong? Only this time I'm not really wondering. I know good & well what happened. Which makes it feel all the more yucky. 

Here is what happened. Let's get it out. Set it on fire & move on. I'm going to be honest & if you're starting your own road to getting healthy, losing the baby weight, and or starting weight loss journey # 56, like me, you should get honest with yourself too. This didn't happen over night. To either of us. 

• I began to  reward myself with food again. 
• I got too confident. I gave up on relying on God because it became something that I *knew* how to manage. I no longer prayed the prayer of giving control back to God. I *had* this. (and that obviously worked out swell for me). 
• cheat meals became cheat weeks became cheat months
• Every. single.slice. of bread. was eaten. 
• I  took the mindset that as long as I was working out once a week I could eat what I wanted. "I was still working out...."
• a few relationships in my life turned sour. and it made me angry, feeling betrayed, and sad. Instead of turning  to exercise to work through stress I turned back to food.
•  I whined to  myself "I don't have tiiimmmmeeeee anymoreeee...." wahhhh baby! 
• I'm mad....let's eat chipotle
• I'm sad.... let's eat McDonalds
• I'm stressed....hand over the goldfish and Doritos
• I'm happy.....let's eat ice cream
• When I noticed  weight creeping back on---I ignored it. Meh, who cares about a few pounds. NBD.

Only now I CARE! and I'm PISSED! and I'm MOTIVATED. and GOSH DARN IT LAURA BETH YOU TURKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now that the wheels are off, the truth is out, where do I begin? Where do we begin? 

At the beginning my friends.  It's a very good place to start. When we read we begin with ABC. when we lose weight we begin with DO NOT EAT.

DO NOT EAT THE CRAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.  10 finger snaps if you caught that reference. :) 

I started tracking my meals using WW again. I'm measuring my portions and making sure to stay within my range. We joined our local YMCA so that I have facilities available and child care taken care of so there are no excuses. Week one down and my weigh in is on Monday. I'm really hoping for a change in the scale. It's just as hard the second time around. It will get better. Can't wait for that. 

Fraudulent.

Should I start out by saying sorry? Or should I just carry on considering it's been over 5 months since I've written anything. I'd love to just dive in but I feel that I  owe an explanation.   I also  need to hash all this out on my own.

Write it out.


So.  :)

I lost my voice.  Not my speaking voice (don't you fret,  I can still talk about nothing for hours), but my writing voice. For years writing has been a wonderful outlet for me. Sharing notebooks with friends in high school, filling prayer journals and future life plan books in college, to writing out my emotions and heart bits on this blog. There had never been an empty space in my writing until this fall when I just flat out stopped. I stopped caring. I felt like I had nothing to say. I neglected to take time to write for myself because, well? I have no good reason other than  I became discouraged.

You see, writing has been and always will be therapy for me. I write because I dream, I breathe, and I have feelings. LORD do I have feelings. And this fall, I bottled them up and stopped sharing them. Forgive me because I have this sense about me that all. the. feelings are about to come spewing out.

I've been hiding from it.

I'm struggling again. The weight has come back and previous blog posts where I was all IF I CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT! Make a plan! Pray! Search for the Lord's strength! Weight Watchers! Run! YAY! RAH!  feel so hypocritical right now.

I stopped WW in July because we needed more wiggle room in the budget.

I stopped running consistently after my 2nd half marathon in September.

I ate all. the. foods. all. the times. all fall. they tasted good.

And here I am.  25 pounds heavier. Discouraged. Unmotivated.  BUT FEELING HONEST.


I MESSED UP.


and maybe you have as well. Perhaps it's not weight you struggle with. Or those delicious Lindt truffles that awwwww jeeeezzzz are amazing. Perhaps it's patience with your kids. Or  gossiping. Or infidelity. Or Lying......or any combination. But I struggle and I know you do to--but we don't talk about it. Because we're mothers and we're the glue of the family. We hold crap together. And we fake it until we make it. Until we don't make it anymore.....

 How do you get back on track when things go into tailspin? Do you really want to make changes? What gets us beyond the I SHOULD CHANGE   to the I WILL CHANGE.

I've been on the top of the mountain & unfortunately ( or maybe honestly is the right word) I've  bumped and backslid instead of reaching the summit.

There is accountability in my words more than my actions. That totally seems backwards, right?  This fall while my running shoes sat untouched  I didn't feel guilty. It was when someone mentioned my blog that guilt crept in. My blog is where I wrote about becoming healthier & during those conversations healthy choices were NOT being made. It felt fake. I was ashamed...because "oh yea, I wrote that." A post of mine started making rounds on pinterest and I felt ashamed because if they only knew ....

I hope you appreciate and can relate to my honesty. This space feels fraudulent right now---but being honest with you ( and myself) this  is truly my first step in turning things around. I WANT TO MAKE CHANGES as I'm sure you do too.  Let's do them together......again.

Love,
Laura Beth

Guacamole Made Me Do It

It's fitting that it's the beginning of July and I'm typing these words. It's been a complete year since I aligned my head, heart, and body and truly got serious about making myself healthy. Last July I was obese for my height, I was uncomfortable in all my clothes, I was dreading going to the pool, and was really at a low point with my self esteem and overall self confidence.

I hit my goal in January and celebrated big. How fun was it to make a goal and meet it! I didn't want to stop there so I made a fitness goal to challenge myself. I began to fall in love with running in September and decided that a half marathon was my next goal. I worked very hard and crossed the finish line with a best friend by my side and tears in my eyes.

and then I took a break.....

this is where things get all sad and wonky.

BUT REAL.

I decided that the rest of my summer was maintenance. I'd lived for 10 months counting points, measuring portions, and telling myself that I craved bananas instead of chocolate. So I took June off and I did whatever I darn well pleased.

and it was a flippin blast.

My husband and I went to Mexico on our first vacation together since 2007. No kids. and it was glorious. the weather. the company. the guacamole. the chips. the icecream. the guacamole. the guacamole. the guacccccaaamooollleeeee. I enjoyed every indulgence on that trip. Upon returning I planned on returning to my healthy lifestyle.

Only I didn't. I stopped running (it was hot...wah). I got lazy with meal planning ( chicken nuggets and mac n cheese with the toddlers).  Ice cream here. Brownies there. McDonalds fries. Dr. Pepper. and now I feel so bloated, dehydrated, and cranky from my poor habits that the thought of running makes me wanna fall over dead.

I currently have three pairs of pants that no longer button. I worked hard for those pants....and now they don't fit.  I feel like I am RIGHT BACK AT  MY LOW POINT.  and I'm totally discouraged. and sad. and royally pissed off. I've gained weight and I know it. I haven't weighed myself  since June 2nd.....and honestly I'm frightened.

So it's obvious that I need some realignment here. I've messed up. I know what happens if these habits of over eating, over indulging, and not exercising continues. Weight packs on, pants don't fit, and I go back to feeling weak and sorry for myself.

I've decided to return to my roots, where it all started. I want to remind myself how far I've come (because gaining 15 pounds doesn't derail everything I've worked for), get back to what works for me (weight watchers online), and give myself some grace ( because punishing myself will do nothing). I'm going to go back through the 6 week devotion study, GODFIT that I did a year ago. Realigning my devotion to the Lord and giving him my struggles (choosing healthy foods, making wise choices) is the only way that I can keep up. Would you like to join me? You can purchase the YOUseries through the GODFIT website.  It's fifty bucks for the manual, workout video library, and shirt----and its yours to utilize. I'm going to post weekly about the devotion topic, workouts, and my own personal thoughts. You should totally join me. We can do this together. Please introduce yourself in the comments below and we can continue a conversation there.

5 Tips for a Knockout Fix every. single. time

Stitch fix. Again. Friends, you love you some stitch fix posts. They are hands down my most read writing. When I read other posts around this styling service I always love them too. It's like a great big snoop sesh. What'd they get? What'd they keep? How'd they style it?  It's the same reason you wanna know what's in your friends closet. It's interesting and it's a peek into someone else's life. And we like to be nosey.... and lucky for you I like to share. :)

What is stitch fix? Click Here!

Maybe you've tried this service once or twice and weren't blown away. I understand that. I have friends who were just ehhhh about the whole process. I'd consider myself a Stitch Fix veteran now after just finishing my 6th fix. I'm getting consistent fixes that I love and I believe this is why.

1. I've curated a killer pinterest style board that is ME and only me. Here's mine! I've linked it in my style profile and I update it frequently. I pin images I am drawn to and delete ones that I'm on the fence about. If it's in my style pinboard---it's me. Last month I was really loving the bright florals I was seeing--baddabing badda boom....this showed up in my fix.

2.  I'm not looking for specific items--that's called online shopping. I'm looking for an experience that helps be determine my personal style. Why is style important to me? Plain and simple I see it as a way of expressing myself. I love color and pattern--and I believe that feeling my best on the outside helps me feel better on the inside. I'm more confident when I take time to style myself in a way that boosts my self esteem. This doesn't mean name brand pasted all over. This doesn't mean that I don't feel confident in sweats. It means that I enjoy wearing things that are beautiful, interesting, or inspiring.

3. I mention my style esthetic in each 'comments for my next fix'. I pick a celebrity style crush or familiar brand store to reference in helping my stylist find something that I would love. Currently I love everything that Julianna Hough is photographed in. I mention her in the comments. I also mention that I belive my style is a healthy mix of JCrew & Anthropologie. I love classic lines and silohettes but also enjoy a bohemian edge to my tops. Whether or not you can afford to shop at your staple style stores ( I cannot!) I pick them because they are style specific. Target and Old Navy aren't style specific. Examples could be  Madewell, Banana, Ann Taylor, or Free People. Try referencing them each time.

4. I pass on the accessories-- Use this service to build your wardrobe with eclectic and fun pieces. I ask them not to send accessories anymore. Each fix I want clothes......and only clothes. Looking for phenomenal accessories? All my jewelry in these photos is from Stella & Dot. This stuff can't be beat. I named the accessories I'm wearing in the photo caption.

5. I only keep my favorites. It's no secret that the items sent will be more expensive than your target/old navy/F21 pieces. That's okay for me because I know that in order to keep it---it has to be PHENOMENAL. I'm getting rid of all my clearanced tops that don't fit well, are a funky color, or wayyy to trendy. They were $10, yes----but I don't love them. Having a closet filled with 15 $10 crap shirts  doesn't do me any good and I still feel like I have NOTHING to wear. Right now I have 5 tops that I LOVE and rotate each week. I'm much happier. Ahhh---clarity that comes with being in my 30s.

My January/February/March Fix
My April Fix
My May Fix


As usual I feel it is important for you to know that if you want to try Stitch Fix I'd love if you clicked through the below link. A great way for Stitch Fix to get the word out about their service is through happy customers. I'd consider myself one of them and to reward happy customers who refer others they give you $25 credit for each referral. It's really great!

 

anxiety is my secret

I wrote this post in 2010. It's been sitting in my drafts folder for FOUR years. The words that I wrote four years ago still rattle in my brain today. Mental illness is scary, carries a lot of preconceived stereotypes and I believe is extremely common in women. I've battled anxiety for a long time. Why am I pressing publish now? Because it's time for me not to be ashamed anymore. I am not perfect. This is my biggest silent struggle. I'm on the other side of treating my anxiety now but I know there are mothers, sisters, and friends of mine that are not. Perhaps you are in the thick of it now....hold tight my dear. I am SAVED BY GRACE and you can be too. The darkness you feel? I can silently shake my head and say "me too".  God gives me healing and beautiful grace every day through medicine and His unshakable love for me. Reading this post from my past makes me remember how dark it was and how LIGHT IT IS NOW. Sooooo let's publish this sucker. DEEP BREATHS.

From 2010.

i've been embarrassed and ashamed about this for a long time. i've hid it from everyone.. i thought that it meant i wasn't a good mom. i thought it meant i couldn't handle things. i thought it would mean that no one would want to be around me. i thought it meant that i was crazy. i thought it meant that God wasn't enough. i thought it meant that i was an unstable person. i thought it meant that i failed. i thought it meant that i just couldn't cut it.
 

i was wrong.

it creeps in haunting my every thought. you're failing. you're awful. everyone is better without you. you're failing.  it consumes my thoughts and i feel trapped by the darkness of them. silent sobs pull from my throat and i cannot rationalize where they are originating from. the inside is hysterical and my outside knows that i'm being irrational. i then spin into a battle of wanting to disappear and knowing that I shouldn't. my heart physically hurts. it aches. my throat tightens and my breath quickens. i want it to stop. i pray for it to stop. the screams from my head are unbearable. get it together. get it together. but something is preventing me from it.

i've battled post partum anxiety since Lilly was born.

that's a hard statement to type. really hard. and even now I feel like I'm admitting that I'm a failure. but I'm not.

anxiety attacks are frequent. i can't sleep. i cry constantly. i'm even avoiding my friends. i don't want anyone to hold lilly because i'm afraid they will judge her. she's a baby! how could they judge her? perhaps they will judge me?

i can't breastfeed her. (you're failing). she cries more than my friends babies ( you're failing).

you see ,i've been lying about it to everyone. everything isn't okay. being a mom hasn't been great. it's been really hard. i've wanted to stop everything. my thoughts hold me captive most days and I know i'm not myself.

 

turning down a girls night because i'm afraid that if someone asks how I'm doing I'll being to sob? that's not me.

one morning in december i realized that i couldn't make myself get over it. if i had heart problems would i not get help? if i had trouble breathing would i ignore it and hope it went away on its own? i called my doctor and cried to her in the office for a long time. she told me it was okay. and medicine would help me get my life back.

and it did.

i've been taking the little white pill for a while now and now things are starting to get better. the fog has lifted. i feel peace and joy again. JOY AGAIN.

it's hard to swallow a pill each day to help me feel like Laura. six months in---and that's still a yucky feeling. i still hate looking at the bottle every morning. mostly because of the words that pop up in my head ( weak, crazy, unstable, imbalanced,....) but i know the pills are  helping me become a better mother and wife.

oh man, i'm never gonna publish this. but it sure feels good to type that out.

it is okay laura. God will get you through this. you are still made in HIS image. do not forget that.
DO NOT FORGET THAT.

 

Thanks for letting me share that with you today. Thanks for supporting each other.