twelve

Thank you so much for  the sweet comments and emails regarding my pour it out on the line post last week!  I feel committed to this----and I really think that by holding myself accountable to you will help in the long run. Sooooo I'm committing to blogging HONESTLY about my progress. I know I can do this----and it helps my soul to pound out the  thoughts spinning in my head.

Confession---I wrote the GULP..... post a little over five weeks ago. I couldn't get myself to hit publish because of fears. Fear of failing. Fear of being transparent. Fear of admitting that I knew I was overweight. Catching up----I started Weight Watchers Online the night of my meltdown and I've been learning the system and kinda falling in love since. There are calculators, scanners, blogs, articles, and little trophies all on your phone/tablet. TROPHIES! Never in my life have I earned a trophy--virtual or not. They don't give out trophies for being an artsy kid or for knowing all the lyrics to Sound of Music---sad.

In a little over five weeks I'm down 12 pounds. Raise the roof friends!  I've steadily been losing 2-3 pounds a week. It's more than the Weight Watcher Program suggest (which is .5-2 per week) however I do think I am losing more because these habits have been such a shock to my system. I don't predict that I will continue shedding 2-3 per week---only if the weight loss fairy makes an appearance, and in that case she better be taking more than 3 pounds!! I'd like to abracadabra about 40 away!

This weekend was our family reunion. I look forward to it each summer. Last year we went and Noah was three weeks old and this year he's over one----and I'm still the same size. I'm not sure if anyone noticed or even cared---but that thought was in my head the entire weekend. I sometimes notice that about other people and silently judge---it's an ugly habit. So I assume that everyone else does the same thing. They probably don't-----our silent struggles are the worst, no? Well---I guess mine isn't so silent anymore.....

Since starting WW I've been very committed. It's like for the first time I've woken up and been like "Let's dooooo thiiissssss" everyday!!  Where did this commitment come from? The LORD, duh. The night of my breakdown, I prayed that He would help me through this, hold me, give me strength--and you know what? He TOTALLY has. Dang, He's so great. It's funny what happens when you totally give your cares to Him. I encourage you to do that, if you've never tried it out. Seriously.

GULP......

I CANNOT believe I'm about to write this. But you know what? It's time. I'm ready.

I'm overweight and I know it. Ack!


 I have an unhealthy lifestyle. I drink way to much Dr. Pepper. I rush through the drive through several times a week when I'm alone. I blame my lack of weight loss on my children even though I've gained weight since birthing Noah over a year ago. I've allowed myself to believe my post partum anxiety following both pregnancies was to blame for not making healthy choices. Eating is my reward, punishment, last resort. and comfort. It's embarrassing and it's my truth. Here is my story in all it's glory.

 In 2007 I was a size 10. 

In 2008 I lost a ton of weight and was a size 4. I became obsessed. I lost too much weight.

 In 2009 I was pregnant and a size 12 post pregnancy.

 

 

 In 2010-2011 I fluctuated between a size 12-14.

 In 2012 I was pregnant again and since Noah haven't been smaller than a size 16.

Yup, I have the ENTIRE women's department of sizes in my closet. and NONE of them fit right. (That's hard to write)

I can justify all of my sizes until I'm blue in the face-----pregnancy, anxiety, laziness, working full time, working part time, handmade business, successes, failures. blah blah blah

But truthfully it boils down to I wasn't taking care of my body. Sure my appearance ( clothes, jewelry, make up, hair) have always been a priority to me----but my body? NOPE. I had really just accepted the fact that it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkeeddd. I  was to the point where ABSOLUTELY, I should lose weight, but NOPE I don't have time for it. Sorry, try again later.

I wasn't ready to change a darn thing---but the self hate talk kept increasing. All the inner self depreciating thoughts boiled down to the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself---but what woman has time to take care of herself and raise two children? Huh! Not me!! Once my kids were in bed it was time to watch the Bachelor and reward myself for keeping two humans alive for an additional day with dark chocolate and  a bowl of ice cream. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh five to me.



Since shutting down my handmade business, I've been doing some soul searching. I knew it was time to close those doors----I had a strong peace from the Lord about that. I found my identity in my business and stopping it, while the right decision kind of left me feeling like less of myself. What was I going to do with that time? How would I feel recharged and energized? Was seriously struggling with these thoughts for three months. Ummm, hello. Why didn't I see this before?


Last month it hit me when I saw THIS photo.  Ummmmm, hello. GET HEALTHY. LOSE THE WEIGHT.

The day after this photo was taken, my husband left for a week long business trip to St. Louis.  I was home with the kids and after I tucked them in and said prayers with them I cried.

I cried the big fat ugly tears. I silently sobbed for thirty minutes over who I had allowed myself to become.  I HATE running into people from my past because I fear what they think of me. LARGE. LAZY. FAT. UGLY.  Even writing this out----while important to my journey to change I'm worried what others will think.  Secretly hoping that no one whom I'm acquaintances with brings this up.  Side eyeing around the corner that none of my co-workers at my new job find out that I have a blog.

The thing is I want accountability, I want to share this journey with others. I want healthy. I just don't want personal friends and family to know----because what if I fail again?  Then I'll be large. fat. ugly, lazy. and a failure. I can't have that.

I'm beautiful inside. I want to feel that way on the outside as well as the inside.

I'm loved my the Lord. Created in HIS image---and I'm treating my body like crap. I'm filling it with junk and expecting magic to reverse it. I  committed to a journey to health that night after wiping the snot off my arm--classy, right? I prayed for HIS strength to help me through. I am DEVOTING myself to weight-loss.



I need your help. I always need cheerleaders. I'll be yours if you'll be mine?