GULP......

I CANNOT believe I'm about to write this. But you know what? It's time. I'm ready.

I'm overweight and I know it. Ack!


 I have an unhealthy lifestyle. I drink way to much Dr. Pepper. I rush through the drive through several times a week when I'm alone. I blame my lack of weight loss on my children even though I've gained weight since birthing Noah over a year ago. I've allowed myself to believe my post partum anxiety following both pregnancies was to blame for not making healthy choices. Eating is my reward, punishment, last resort. and comfort. It's embarrassing and it's my truth. Here is my story in all it's glory.

 In 2007 I was a size 10. 

In 2008 I lost a ton of weight and was a size 4. I became obsessed. I lost too much weight.

 In 2009 I was pregnant and a size 12 post pregnancy.

 

 

 In 2010-2011 I fluctuated between a size 12-14.

 In 2012 I was pregnant again and since Noah haven't been smaller than a size 16.

Yup, I have the ENTIRE women's department of sizes in my closet. and NONE of them fit right. (That's hard to write)

I can justify all of my sizes until I'm blue in the face-----pregnancy, anxiety, laziness, working full time, working part time, handmade business, successes, failures. blah blah blah

But truthfully it boils down to I wasn't taking care of my body. Sure my appearance ( clothes, jewelry, make up, hair) have always been a priority to me----but my body? NOPE. I had really just accepted the fact that it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkeeddd. I  was to the point where ABSOLUTELY, I should lose weight, but NOPE I don't have time for it. Sorry, try again later.

I wasn't ready to change a darn thing---but the self hate talk kept increasing. All the inner self depreciating thoughts boiled down to the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself---but what woman has time to take care of herself and raise two children? Huh! Not me!! Once my kids were in bed it was time to watch the Bachelor and reward myself for keeping two humans alive for an additional day with dark chocolate and  a bowl of ice cream. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh five to me.



Since shutting down my handmade business, I've been doing some soul searching. I knew it was time to close those doors----I had a strong peace from the Lord about that. I found my identity in my business and stopping it, while the right decision kind of left me feeling like less of myself. What was I going to do with that time? How would I feel recharged and energized? Was seriously struggling with these thoughts for three months. Ummm, hello. Why didn't I see this before?


Last month it hit me when I saw THIS photo.  Ummmmm, hello. GET HEALTHY. LOSE THE WEIGHT.

The day after this photo was taken, my husband left for a week long business trip to St. Louis.  I was home with the kids and after I tucked them in and said prayers with them I cried.

I cried the big fat ugly tears. I silently sobbed for thirty minutes over who I had allowed myself to become.  I HATE running into people from my past because I fear what they think of me. LARGE. LAZY. FAT. UGLY.  Even writing this out----while important to my journey to change I'm worried what others will think.  Secretly hoping that no one whom I'm acquaintances with brings this up.  Side eyeing around the corner that none of my co-workers at my new job find out that I have a blog.

The thing is I want accountability, I want to share this journey with others. I want healthy. I just don't want personal friends and family to know----because what if I fail again?  Then I'll be large. fat. ugly, lazy. and a failure. I can't have that.

I'm beautiful inside. I want to feel that way on the outside as well as the inside.

I'm loved my the Lord. Created in HIS image---and I'm treating my body like crap. I'm filling it with junk and expecting magic to reverse it. I  committed to a journey to health that night after wiping the snot off my arm--classy, right? I prayed for HIS strength to help me through. I am DEVOTING myself to weight-loss.



I need your help. I always need cheerleaders. I'll be yours if you'll be mine?



welp....now what?

So this one time, I had a business---and then I stopped it. Sold all my supplies. and turned my studio into a playroom. And now I'm here twiddling my thumbs thinking, alright WHAT NEXT?

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I don't know. I enjoy blogging. I really like the idea that other humans in this world read what I have to say. But it also kinda creeps me out when people say to me that they read my blog. I immediately have this moment of "ahhhh---crap, they know." I don't know what they know....but they know. 

It's really quite the dilemma. However, I'm a breathing contradiction at most days so it makes sense. I'll spend two hours cleaning the kitchen scrubbbbbbbinnnggg and then neglect to put the peanut butter smudged knife in the sink because I'm too lazy. and I'll get it later. and maybe if I leave it there long enough Scott will do it.  Baaaahhh.


Back when I started this blog in 2009 it was a direct feed into me. It was rough around the edges and full of not-so-fantastic photos.  While developing and creating lillypie the direction of this space evolved into a place to share my work, peek into my life, and promote my business. Now that lillypie is done---I'm planning on taking this blog in a new direction. 

what God has done ((moving on))

Here's a piece of my heart.  I hope I'm able to communicate my feelings and faith effectively in this post.


How do you walk away from something that you love? How do you stop doing something that comes so natural to you? How do you give up something that you're passionate about?


Those questions have been two fold lately and I've been wrestling with these questions for over a year now. I've been a public school teacher for the past 7 years. I've taught 4th and 2nd grades and loved it off and on for the first 5. Loving and building relationships with the young is why I got into this profession.  It's no secret that the public school system has undergone major changes--most of them shifting from emphasis on nurturing and guiding young people to plugging students into a formula to output the highest test scores possible. Any educator I know will say that these shifts have dampened creativity, created an high stress job environment, and fostered a cut-throat profession where many   are overly competitive with their peers and themselves. I didn't thrive in this environment. I felt trapped. Confused. and a deep guilt that what I was being led to do was not (in all cases) the best for my students.

Once learning that I was pregnant with Noah my husband and I decided that we would Dave Ramsey the heck out of our finances in order to allow me to stay home for a year while I sorted out my feelings and frustration with my profession. I honestly thought stepping away for a year would renew my excitement for educating the young and I would zap back into Super Teacher and be back in the fall refreshed and renewed. Either that----or I would do lillypie full time.

Here I am doing lillypie full time. YAY! HOORAH! DREAMS COME TRUE!!! Not exactly. I've had this feeling deep in my gut that I needed to stop creating for Lillypie for a while. At first it was just a thought when I'd be up to my ears in beads and fabric scraps. Then it became  a big sense of guilt when I would knowingly choose to be filling orders when my toddler was begging me to play with her. When I'd refuse an invitation to sit and unwind with my husband after a long day because I knew I had "lillypie things to do in the studio".

I ignored the feelings and thoughts for a while. Thinking that this was just a season---a creative slump--adjusting to a new normal at home. Then the tap tap tapping became a nudging and later a shoving. In response to those feelings I moved my shop from made to order to strictly ready to ship. 

Naturally, the work load slowed down--and sales began to taper off. It was good but I STILL felt this uneasy feeling when anyone asked about lillypie. The passion and excitement I once felt about my business was dimming--and I couldn't really pin point why, other than the fact that I just had this constant feeling that something was off.


So I'm feeling uninspired. uncreative. annoyed. confused. and lost. --- then everything changed.

The Lord showed me where I was to be.

 I learned of a part time opportunity planning curriculum on staff at my church for the preschool department. I dusted off my resume and applied on a whim and was blown away when offered an interview and a subsequent job offer. WHAT?!

How do I know that this is where the Lord would place me? There are so many wonderful God-filled moments that cannot be strictly chance.

1. Without the Dave Ramsey gazelle infused kick your butt class that Scott and I participated in a year ago ( to the day) we would not be able to afford me working only part time.

2. My small group, husband, family ,and myself PRAYED for it. and it happened.  ( took three years---but it happened)

3. Our daycare/preschool for lilly just so happened to have an opening for Noah open up the DAY I called to inquire about placement for noah.

4. This job uses my strengths, encourages creativity, and inspires me to help create a community of people who are there to serve the greatest kids on the planet. :)

5. PEACE. and this is the main way I  know God is calling me here. I'm not a peaceful gal. I'm not. I worry. I stress. I struggle with anxiety. I question everything. but I feel peace. An overwhelming peace that ONLY comes from above when you're walking with Him.


So here I am! A new job. and I still feel a tugging to walk away from lillypie.

I can't keep adding to my life without subtracting. The only thing able to be subtracted is Lillypie. A year ago I would never of been able to close down my shop and have peace. I depended on it too much. It was me. It allowed me a creative space and outlet--filling a void in my life that I needed to feel whole. It brought me happiness. SO MUCH HAPPINESS. and now when I feel the gentle push to walk away and I feel PEACE about it---I know  that it's right.
It's right for my family. and because of that--I have to close this chapter. HAVE TO.

Thank you. and ohhhhhh---here come the tears. Thank you for loving lillypie because you were truly loving me. Other than my children there has never been something so much a part of me. Thank you for supporting me. Your purchases made my dreams come true and helped us pay off a car, student loans, and three credit cards---that ultimately helped me be prepared to walk away from my full time position to take this jump into ministry. WOW! Another God Painted moment---right?!

I'm so happy that you loved lillypie.  I loved you right back. The friendships started through this adventure will no doubt continue because while I might be shutting down my shop--I could truly never shut down my creative urge to get my hands covered in paint and glue.

How do you walk away from something that has made you so happy?  By walking towards something you know you were MADE and CALLED to do.

God is good. All the time.


I love you dear friends.



Thanks for reading. Whew---that was a long one!




I won't be shutting down my facebook page. I love that little community so much. Please continue to hang out and interact with me and each other there. I'll be selling off unused supplies and the remainder of my ready to ship items over the coming days through facebook and instagram.

Sweet Treats (new headbands added)

I just refreshed the shop and it feel good to do that!  I added five new dainty headband colors.  I have five of each color made and they are just dying to have a happy home. (wink!)  I have peachy pink, cabaret magenta, sweet lilac, ivory, and classic red. Perfect pops of color to freshen up you and your daughter's winter wardrobe. I always feel ready to add more color in my clothing choices this time of year. To me--valentine's day is onnnnnneeee step closer to spring!

 

My customers always (lucky me!!) come back for my dainty headbands. They really are magical. They are just the right size for your little ones head (yes, newborns too!). They will fit newborns and stretch to fit adults. They do not lose their shape or get stretched out. You can wear it one day and share with your daughter the very next. My friends and I love these headbands and I'm sure you will too.


All new headbands are available for purchase in my SHOP. They are listed in limited quantities and are not guaranteed to be restocked once sold out.

blogging ((saved my life))

Silly- foolish- and heartbreaking.

Back in October my ohsodarling (insert crazy amounts of sarcasm) husband stepped on my laptop climbing on the countertops searching for a flashlight? to complete a pony princess tent/fort in the living room with lilly. I'll let that sink in.....Couldn't Make this stuff up if I tried friends. 

The result was a shattered hard drive and a very pissssssssssssssed wife. Because OF COURSE we climb on counters looking for flashlights ( because we keep them above our dishes?)  with expensive electronics under our feet. Nah--we don't need to move them. Nahhhh---You have excellent balance. Naturally that's a great idea. Duh.

Long story turned short---We lost EVERYTHING on the hard drive including all photos (wedding, honeymoon, and 12,443,223 moments of newborn, baby, and toddler lilly).  Yep, you're right----LOST.  Because while at first this  was a story of my husbands stupidity--it now has taken a turn in highlighting my OWN. Never backed anything up. It was always on a to do list. It was always something meant to be done during a free afternoon.  I never got around to it---and now  I'm heartbroken.

Big ugly cries commenced in Best Buy while talking to the Geek Squad. The poor poor awkward twenty something witnessed this mama LOSE HER STUFF.


I wallowed for a good month. I threw several fancy  pity parties. Our shattered Dell made several trips to other computer companies searching and hoping for a mommy miracle.

and then blogging saved my life. and my husbands.

I didn't lose ALL the images. My husband's life was spared. This blog---filled with my memories and thoughts was waiting patiently. This piece of space---my space had everything I thought was lost.

my first glance of lilly. our first photo as a family. my pregnancy photos. 1st birthdays. Christmases. funny moments. they are all here. this space is special to me. I'm so happy to have all these memories---right here.

OH HAPPY DAY.

shop talk (( on my heart))

I'd love to talk shop for a bit.  Care to listen?


The other day Scott and I were talking Lillypie and as I was venting a few frustrations-he said something that settled in with me.
You love it  and it completes you--then it gives you a twitch.  I've learned to just let you ride the wave.



I'm running low on time. I don't have the consistent few hours each day to devote to designing, creating, and  packaging lillypie orders that I did a few months ago.  I have these monsters to blame.

The second being that I just can't commit to being a night owl anymore. For the past two years I've stayed up until 2-3am several times a week to complete orders. I loved it. The house was quiet.  It was just me and my thoughts and  some awweeessoommeee dark chocolate.  I just can't do that anymore. Adding a child and subtracting a full time job hasn't really equaled the extra time I thought it would. Foolish, foolish girl.

I've always been a creative person that creates in seasons. I would say that in 2012 my season was April--August. I just couldn't keep the ideas out of my head! During  those few months I cranked out two  LARGE collections--lollipop and latte da. They were/are super successful.  I also kept my shop stocked all summer with new designs each week--all while being 9 months pregnant/ keeping my head above water with a newborn. I drew out designs in the middle of the night on a post it pad on my nightstand.  I came up with my most popular design to date (the orange ombre necklace) while rocking a 2 week old Noah.

lollipop collection

image via Sarah-Beth Photography

 

latte da collection

image via Lemongrass Photography

 

And here I sit in January---and I am all dried up on good ideas! . It suuuccks. It's like Lilly's  good friend Marlin says in Finding Nemo  "People expect you to be funny just because you're a clown fish".  I expect myself to ooze creative ideas just because I'm artsy.

So---where am I going with all this? Well, I'm moving the shop over to strictly ready to ship. I did this over the summer and really enjoyed it. Here is my previous post about it. I won't be taking any custom orders until  late March when I'll open up the queue for custom Easter designs. I will make necklaces, headbands, and bracelets as I have time and supplies and will happily sell them. They will all be premade and will be shipped within 2 days of purchase. How awesome is that! No more week and a half turn around.  It also means that once my stock for the particular item has been bought--there is no guarantee when/if  more will be made. 

I had a half-assed collection put together to release in January. I'd say three of the ten designs are rad and I'm super proud of them. The others? Ehh... They were fillers. Is it okay for me to even say that?! Just being honest. So I'm dumping the ehh ones and will maybe release the awesome ones later. I was pulling together all the designs and wasn't too impressed. If I'm not impressed--how can I expect you to be?  It's just embarrassing and NOT how I want to do business.

Another little lillypie shop keeping announcement is that all designs and products will be FINAL. I inspect each item before it's shipped and  stand behind my work.  If an item  is too small and/or too large I'll happily resize it for you but will charge a "fix it" fee to cover time, supplies, and shipping.  All measurements are listed in the item description to help you decide on length/size. This goes the same with items that become damaged/broken. I understand things happen--my darling Noah ripped a favorite necklace off of my neck just this past Sunday. Monster thought it was food. I can no longer fix, resize, restring, or remake items without charge. While it's the nice thing to do---it's poor business practice.  You might disagree with me--but I have to stand firm on this. Thanks for understanding.



Lillypie has always been about what I'm passionate about and what I love. I've always said that I will change it to meet the needs of my family and myself. You all  are great--and I'm so happy that you're letting me do what I love. I'm even more grateful that you're letting me change what I love into something I'll love even more.

The shop will move over to Ready to Ship ONLY on January 14th. As a thank you, please enjoy 25% off the entire shop until then with code 'Awesome25'.

six months ((bubba update))

Last night he was up three times. THREE. I was frustrated, annoyed, concerned, and then ultimately full of love. I sat in the living room rocking my little nugget thinking to myself ---WHY is he getting up so frequently when he had been sleeping through the night so wonderfully? I shouldn't rock him each time he wakes---he's playing me. I'm so easily manipulated by a baby--suckerrrrrrrrr. Tomorrow--he's crying. I'll deal with it. This is the last night of this buddy ole' pal. And then---his hand reached up and cupped my cheek. I looked down and he smiled and did the adorably painful baby combo sigh and laugh. BUTTER.  He melted me into a big pile of mommy goo.

He's been doing that for six months.

He's rolling. He looses his mind when he accidentally rolls onto the hardwood. He has yet to figure out that he could simply roll back onto the rug with ease---he insists that I  do it for him. I'm the momma and I don't mind.

He's large. We've been hanging out in the 90th plus percentile for weight and head size consistently since birth. He eats 5-6 six ounce bottles per day on top of the rice cereal and green peas. Sometimes I wonder if I should really be feeding him this much---and my grandmother, God bless her, is already ranting about childhood obesity with him. She's nuts and watches too much Dr. Oz.  The nicknames bubba and tank have held up nicely.

He's sleeping in his crib. We've finally moved Noah into his shared room with big sister. Ooooh how I drug my feet on this!!  I've so enjoyed having him near me for so long. I loved waking up and hearing his sweet breathing each night---now I'll do it through the monitor. Lilly is over the moon excited to have baby brother in there with her.  We'll see how she holds up tonight when he wakes up for midnight snack in a few hours.

He's stealing my heart. My bubba bear is a snuggler and a flirt. He smiles a huge gummy grin then turns his head and buries it in my shoulder. He grabs my face and bites my cheek when he gives kisses. He purses his lips and kicks like crazy when he sees me walk into a room.  He has filled my already FULL heart with so much love and joy. 

I just love this boy so.