Being 9 months pregnant was the hardest thing I've ever done. I couldn't sleep. My back ached. I was constantly hungry, but always full. The anticipation of meeting Lilly was too much. It was hard.
Coming home from the hospital with a new baby of which I had not the SLIGHTEST idea how to care for was the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done. Wobbly neck, tiny tummy, hungry cries, and zero sleep. Yea, hardest thing.
Nursing was the Hardest Thing I've EVER Done. Troubles latching. ZERO milk supply. Medication to increase milk supply. Zero engorgement. Guilt. Guilt. Pressure. Pain. More guilt. Giving up the idea of nursing was the HARDEST thing I've EVER done.
Figuring out Lilly's stomach issues and eating quirks ( yea, I'll call them that) was the HARDEST thing I've EVER DONE! Not knowing the reasons for her screams. Not knowing how to soothe her. Not knowing why she was gagging. Hearing advice from everyone " Well, this worked for mine, don't do this....Well I think this works....." ahhhhhhhhhhh....Following and trusting my own instincts was the HARDEST THING I've EVER Done!
Leaving miss Lil to return to work. THE HARDEST THING I've EVER EVER DONE!!!!!!! The guilt of leaving her with someone else. The worries of how she's being taken care of. Ugh. Letting go of my fears that she'll forget me or even worse like the sitter MORE than me. Yea, hard.
Here I am right now...
Deciding to take Lilly out of the first daycare and to another lady, THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER EVER EVER EVER DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel guilty for leaving the first lady, however I feel that it is the BEST for Lilly. I don't do well with awkward situations.
So much so, that sometimes I will be having major issues with a student at school, but when the parent calls I'll say " Oh, ::insert child's name::, he's fine. We're working through issues most 4th graders deal with. (READ:Your kid is a liar, cheats on his homework, makes fun of other kids, and as a whole ...is a brat.)
I know that moving Lilly is the best decision. I've made lists, pros vs. cons. I've prayed.
I love the whole FREE WILL thing from God. It's nice. Especially when I'm picking out what to eat and what clothes to buy....love it.
However, think about this... wouldn't it be GRAND if God dropped you little emails or letters OR!! writing on your mirror in the fog after you shower...LAURA, DO THIS....IT'S what you NEED to do. Love you. XOXO GOD. FANTASTIC!!!
But ALAS, it doesn't work that way. So here I am trying to decide if this is best. I believe it is. At least I THiiiNK so. Oh I don't know. I never know. That is what makes being a mommy to lilly-pants so hard. NEVER KNOWING. I'm a working mom. I don't like it, but it's my reality. I feel guilt for leaving her. I feel guilt for not trusting the person I leave her with. I feel uneasy about taking her to someone new. I just don't EVER know! That is what makes this the hardest thing I HAVE EVER DONE!!!!!!!
Laura's Mommy Wisdom Epiphany # 1,298,001 : IT ALWAYS GETS HARDER. Every stage of this whole trip has had me thinking this is the. hardest. thing. I've. ever. done. period. It honestly ALWAYS feels that way. Then. THEN! the sun comes out from behind Mr. Cloudy Wimpy Pants and it gets a little easier; and like Stella, I get my groove back. Then it gets harder again.
Round and round we go. Wheeeeeee!
I am so right there with you!!! I had a mini ephiphany about our daycare situation today and the thought of switching crossed my mind... and you're right, everything seems like it can't get any trickier or tougher and then BAM, the next thing shows up and blows you out of the water. You are so not alone :) Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderfuly mommy. Lilly is so lucky to have you and Scott for parents. The Lord will lead you where you need to go. Continue to trust and He will take you there. We are praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteWow, I think you & I have gone through all the same issues EXCEPT for the daycare; I am sorry that you have to change where she goes & my only advise is follow your gut & everything will be just fine!! By the way she is a DOLL!!
ReplyDeleteTo get a signature just click on mine & it will take you to the website where you create it then once you have the code go to your blogger dash board, click settings, then the formatting tab & then post the code. Good Luck!!
Unfortunately that is how mommy-hood goes...guilt, insecurity, doubt, and way more love than anyone really knows what to do with. You're doing great. You're a natural. :)
ReplyDeleteI just keep thinking "what the HECK am I gonna do when they're in middle school. or worse...HIGH SCHOOL?!"
so this is what i have to look forward to...jk, I know there are a million trillion goods with the bads, but glad I have your blog to give me a heads up! :) Good luck with the daycare decision!
ReplyDeleteI really think that you pulled this post right out of my brain. It seems with every new stage of development there's always a new and more difficult challenge to overcome. Trust your gut, it will guide you in the right direction.
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