Along for the ride ((birthday post))

There are moments in my days where I throw my hands up and think WHAT was I thinking having kids? Some days it seems they are out to make life really ridiculously difficult. Put shoes on. Rip shoes off. Mop the floor. Drop a sippy cup of milk. Color a picture. Step on a Barbie. Break Barbies head off. Tears. Tears. Tears.


She turned four this week. Time seems to be speeding up. I feel like I'm standing in the center of chaos and its slowly swirling around me. She turned four this week. Dang.

We celebrated. We partied. We caked. We Build-a-Beared. Lilly shone like the sun on her day. HER DAY.

 

 

As I was hurrying my little four year old off to bed this week I remember thinking about how Lilly needed to get teeth brushed, in bed, lights out quickly because I had a to do list and some new season premieres to catch. I had it planned in my head. No messing around tonight---bed. boom. freedom.

"Mommy, could you rock me tonight?"


Yes. The answer should be and will ALWAYS be yes. So I rocked her. I played with her hair and she held my hand. We rocked cheek to cheek in one of those perfect mom moments where you just want to CLICK and capture it forever. Oh, clutch my heart she was sweet as pie. She leaned up and whispered in my ear that she'd love me forever, ever, ever........


These moments---these stories....I don't want to forget them. I want to remember the things that light up their world in this stage. I want to remember what drove me bonkerbananas.

Her story and his story is amazing and awesome---because God is the author. and I'm literally along for the ride. however long, difficult, and ridiculous it might be.

little babe ((26 weeks))

HIGH: My little mister has a name. Scott chose the first name, I chose the middle--it's a happy compromise and I'm excited to share it soon.  I'm not quite ready to write it on the wall just yet---but getting close. Lilly was always Lilly from day one---so it's really nice to be able to call my gentleman by a name and not just  dude, boyfriend, or Ryder ( lilly has a thing for Tangled). 

I really thought that we were having another girl. I was quite shocked to hear "boy" at the 20 week ultrasound. I had my girl name all set to go, and in a weird pregnancy hormone infused way I kinda had to mourn my girl name. *Someday* **maybe** ***if having two doesn't kill me***

LOW: As with most women it is really hard to gain weight and see your body changing in ways that give you a little twinge. I've decided that people in general do not know how to talk to a pregnant woman. Or maybe---a pregnant woman doesn't know how to NOT take pregnancy comments personally. Regardless, the
"Oh you're about to pop!"  ((nope, have three more months!))
"You sure there aren't twins in there, dang!" (( nope, just one))
"That's going to be a BIG BOY"  ((pretty sure he's average))
"You seem bigger this time around"  (( yup, thanks for pointing that out))
" You look tired"  (( thanks, butt head))

I *know* the comments are not MEANT to offend. But garsh darn it---no one wants to hear comments about their size regardless if they are carrying a human or not. Just lie to me and tell me I look great and that I'm all belly. I'll love you and my double chin all the more.



WOAH: The nesting. Good LORD the nesting. I'm obsessed with redecorating. Not necessarily organizing like perhaps I should considering our house limitations, but  spray painting things.  If you're  black, or ugly, or looking at me a weird way you're going to get a glossy coat of white paint. Nothing is safe---even my pasta sauce jar from last night's spaghetti. 

little babe ((20 weeks))

oh hai. :)

So it's been a bit  and I thought I'd pop in for a little update! Things are chug-a-lugging along here in my corner of the world.  This month has been a wonderful month and here are some quick highlights.

1.  Baby is growing healthy and loves camping out on my sciatic nerve or SI joint which means time usually spent blogging is now a date with my heating pad. ;)

2. We started Financial Peace University and it's really changing my life. in a good way!

3. I've been doing lots of lillypie dreaming. There are some big changes coming this spring that I'm excited about.

HIGH: Purchasing new maternity clothes! Any reason to shop at all is fun for me, but after reading Little Twig's No Brainer Wardrobe, I've really enjoyed adding to my maternity collection.  I've had few instances of a closet explosion and cursings of "I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAAAAAAARRRRRRR WAHHHHHHH"" this pregnancy. I'm really trying to be cost, season, and style effective with my purchases.

LOW: Baby is quite literally getting on my nerves. Lots of back pain and unfortunately lots of complaining....which had led to lots of ice cream.

WOAH: I'm half way done and that in and of itself is CRAZY to me.  Perhaps it's the two year old running circles around me, or my busy work day , or the lack of 2nd trimester energy, or the fact that I'm much happier this go around but goodness gracious this little one will be here soon. Woah.

little babe ((16weeks))

So I don't know if you remember, but I'm pregnant with numero two.  EEEEEE!!!!

This pregnancy has been so ridiculously different from my first. The months of November and December are hazy and full of memories of being surrounded by delicious food that I wanted NOTHING to do with. I think it's safe to say I'm the only one who lost weight over the holidays. It really was tragic. Food everywhere. Wanting to vomit. Nothing tasting good. It was something of a terrible nightmare.

The fog has lifted and I'm happily trotting through the second tri ((for the most part)). I'm showing a lot earlier than I did with Lilly. I'm okay with it and am enjoying the look of pregnancy more this time around.

High: I looove knowing that I'm supporting LIFE. I feel like I am fulling a PURPOSE sustaining this little baby right now. It's a feeling of accomplishment and love. I've been feeling the little nudges from  this little guy for two weeks now.  The flutters of a little one flipping around are so special. Happy to have them back!


Low: The sickness. THE SICKNESS. I believe I'm just over the hump now. May I never stare down my toilet ever. again. Caffiene every three days is suck town too. I HATE cutting back.

WOAH: We live in a pretty little ranch house-with two bedrooms. TWO bedrooms for a soon to be family of FOUR. We had originally planned on putting our house on the market and moving on up to a larger home when baby two came along. However after much number crunching and praying we've decided to stay. We're not quite sure how it will all work just yet, but we both feel like staying is where we need to be. We're really trusting that everything will work out just fine. Small houses build tight families will be my mantra.

Tantrums in Church ((learning to draw near))

((deep breaths))

Watching my darling sweet toddler have a full blown meltdown in the foyer at church on Sunday surrounded by strangers, friends, and everyone in between I realized two things.

The first being that this little one could very well have a career in the dramatic arts. Girl can turn. it. on.

The second being that there is no way that I can do this on my own. Or even that Scott and I could do this on our own. We are hopeless as parents. Hopeless in the fact that despite all the "gut feelings", reading, Super Nanny watching, crying to my parents, asking advice from others--we'll never get it perfectly right.

((print via Brody's Walk))

I know, I'm being a real downer right now!I can go there real fast. :) But stick with me....


What I've known for a while yet not really committed to the idea is that despite all our love and good intentions--there is no way to perfectly parent a toddler. I'm convinced it's impossible. Just like getting her to put her pants on in the morning without a chase or two around the bed.

This week I've been taking the "i'm going to test your boundaries two's" way too personally.  I was allowing myself to think that I was the reason she was testing me. I should've done something different. I let this happen. She was laying on the floor showing her messy cry in the house of the Lord--on the sabbath because of me.

How am I going to survive living like that?!

I struggled with PPA after Lilly's birth and it was like a twinge of that nasty self-hate voice was back whispering in my ear. and Ohhhhh...heckkkkk NO I'm NOT going back there. So I went to the Lord about that.

Here is what He's teaching me...

Yup, I can't do it alone and I'm not DESIGNED to. No one is.  I was designed with the purpose of RELYING and TRUSTING in Him. I can't do it alone without epic failure. He wants me to come to Him. He wants me to love and trust Him. With those things I WILL be the best mom I can to Lilly.  When I draw nearer to Him rather than relying on my own ways ((which recently is crying and googling)) I still feel overwhelmed--but it's no longer 100% my problem.

((print via Consider Lillies))

We're not designed to handle battles and struggles on our own.   You have  worries. family turmoil. unrest. anxiety. self doubt. messy house. crying infant. demanding work.  or failing relationships. You're not alone. And there's a loving God that doesn't want you to be.

((print via Naptime Diaries))

It's a lesson I'm learning.  :)

FOUR {an annoucement}

3+1=4
and my husband says I stink at math....pshh.. ;)

13 weeks and VERRRYYYYY excited!!


It feels SOOOOOOOOOO good to have that secret out.  I SUCK at secrets.

two year old thoughts on Christmas

What a wonderful holiday. I hope you had a relaxing and joy-filled one as well. It's funny that I posted last week about joy because my little love filled me with it this week. It was on Christmas Eve with tears in my eyes that I decided to start making notes of the  "Two year old Christmas*isms of Lilly". I'll surely want to remember them and hopefully they will make you chuckle as well.

"ah mommay?  i eat cheese on Chri chis!"

"ah santa brind illy suckerzz! I yike dat! I yike HIM!"

" eye wanda sang jindal balls!!!!!!" -very loudly during our christmas eve service

" Oh no! Comed Back, Santas! Cookies all gone!!" "yes, santa ate them lilly" " Ind santas bootdie?"

"Hapty Cake for Jesssusss birdday? I lovd Jejessss. I help blowed the cantles fer him."

Lilly did you have a good Christmas? "Ah yesss I havt SUCKERRRRSS!!! and ponies"

I love you lilly. " I go poopy potty now."

"mommy daddy illy go swleeep, watch mickey, play toys, eat cookies morrow too?

family pictures

Wanted to share with you some of our family pictures that we had taken back in mid November.  Sarah-Beth Photography took them and I adore them all. I love the way that she captures the family essence in her shots. I also love how she makes you feel like a super model for a hot second. Enjoy!

Here are my thoughts on family portraits...

Yes, they are expensive. However, if you find a photographer that you love and admire then the investment is totally worth it.  I personally would rather give my money to a woman pursuing her passion than the disgruntled JCPenny teenager who does not care about me or my family. I know your rebuttal--Yes, a professional photographers cost is still quite a bit more than the click and shoot studios.  Think of it this way---

You buy a shirt-on clearance-you  don't love it,but it's ONLY $5!!! I can totally find a way to rock this shirt that is basically free. You try it on--ehh...fit is OKAY. BUT IT IS ONLY FIVE DOLLARS! You buy it--PROUD of the massive deal you got. It hangs in your closet in all it's  IWASDIRTCHEAP glory. You wear it once---and after that day there it hangs. for all eternity-- or until you toss it in a goodwill pile. It wasn't you. It was cheap. It was "good enough" for right now.

Or...you spend your hard earned dollars on a researched piece. You saw the boots online.  You went to the store. You tried them on.  You love them.  You leave the store because No.....I CAN"T SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY on BOOOOTTTSSS!!  The next day you think about those boots.  The following week you're carving out ways to pay for those boots. That next weekend you BUY the boots. You practically wear them to bed you love them so much. You get compliments on your killer boots. YOu feel great.Yea, they were more expensive--but they are a statement piece--something that oozes your personality and style.

Family portraits done by a professional are my fabulous boots. They encompass my family, personality, and style. Yes, they are quite a bit more expensive--but these pictures will not be hanging in my closet.

Good Bye Patty

 The pacifier--some mothers love them and to other's they are an equivalent to a dirty word. To me,  I didn't have a problem with it. and by golly it worked. Thinking back on the haze of the first few weeks of new baby bliss hell, the pacifier saved us. She was soothed, we gained sanity and by week four the fog began to lift and we all got into our groove.

Lilly loved her pacifier. She lovingly named it Patty.  After she turned one Patty became a nighttime treat. After she turned two....well I started to feel like maybe it was time for Patty to leave. I didn't want her to, but when Lilly asked for her pacifier using a complete. sentence.--I knew she was getting too old for it.

I really had NO plan on how to break Lilly of her friend, Patty.  I was scared.  I value sleep and knew what kind of nights were ahead without our dear friend, Patty. It's safe to say I broke out into a cold sweat at the thought of a night without Patty. My one memory of a night without Patty was  a year ago and I'll just say there were GNASHING OF TEETH that night.

Then baby Milo was born.

Milo is the newest addition to by best friend's family. My womb is craaavving another one of these squishy miracles!

Lilly loves babies--they can be plastic, they can be cloth, they can be human.  She has the mommy thing going right now. When we went to meet baby Milo she noticed his pacifier in the bassinet. 

"Ahhh....Mi-yo's patty?" 

"Yes, babies need patties, you're not a baby are you?"

"Ahhh no mommy, Imma beeeg gurl."

"Yes, Lilly you are." !!!!LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!!!! "Do you want to give Milo your Patty?"

"Eye do dat"

and she gave up her pacifier. Just like that.

My mommy tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of her giving a new baby her most prized possession. He needed it.  She gave it.

Gosh, can't we ALL learn from that?

As we left the hospital that evening, my best tossed me the pacifier just in case....

Lilly and I both cried that night....but three days later  the tears are dry and Patty has a new happy  home.

little things {my backyard}

 We won't live here forever.  It's a small house.  We outgrow it a little more each season.  But we have a great backyard. I brought my camera along during one of our exploration walks this week.  I let Lilly explore and I snapped pictures of little things that I love. I felt silly at first, but looking back at my images I'm so glad that I have them. I'll enjoy remembering our first backyard one day when we've really outgrown this little home.

Linking up with miss lindsay again!

 and.....I shot  all of these pics on manual. WHOMP! A year later and I'm feeling like I'm getting the hang of it. :)  love to all, laura

What two means {with a sprinkling of party pictures}

TWO

It means hearing "mommy" instead of Momma. 

It means twirling in the living room like a princess.

It means having your heart belong to daddy, elmo,and mickey all at once.

It means concentrating hard on your scribbles and pronouncing "I did dat!" when finished.

It means having your first favorite color and announcing that everything is "geen".

It means dramatic falls to the floor in protest.

It means loving mac and cheese one day and being repulsed by it the next.

It means fruit snacks. keep em coming. all day.

It means " no like".

It means hiding under the covers is the best game. Day or night.

It means telling people where to sit.

It means princess unnawares. :)

It means tickle fights---with retaliation.

It means saying big girls don't.....

It means shorter snuggles.

It means longer goodbyes.

It means irrational thinking.

It means "pwease and tink too's"

It means "I love you's" followed by "go aways". 

It means endless laughter.

It means silly plays.

It means a FULL HEART.

Two Years Ago {I became a mother}

My daughter will celebrate her 2nd birthday this week . How quickly yet slowly the time goes. It's hard to remember a life before Lilly--yet holy cow how can she already be two?  I've never written about the day of her birth--seriously? I know.  So to appease my nostalgic and weepy "mah baybee is olld" side I'm sharing with you a letter I recently wrote to her. I want her to know about her day--from me before I forget the details. 

In honor of the girl who has given my life a glorious purpose and the person who drives my every decision, and gives my blonde head gray hairs on a daily basis--first I want you to know that I love you.

Your birthday was planned. Your dad and I picked the day you would be born. That another detail that makes you special and unique.  You were spirited and headstrong from the beginning. Refusing to follow fetus 'norms' you didn't want to enter this world like most babies. You required an even  grander  entrance--in an operating room with me, your father, a glorious anesthesiologist, two doctors, and three nurses ( one of which was a brand new intern that would've given me a heart attack had I not been drugged beyond worry).  You  were breech--which means you were dramatic--and you have not waivered from that; even two years later. We picked September 25th. I always knew that you'd be born in September regardless of your October due date--the same way I knew you were a little girl from the moment we found out you were on your way.   We chose a Friday to have you so that  all your family and friends could meet and love you over the weekend.  Everyone came to see you, Lilly.

Friday morning at 4:00 am  your dad woke up to an alarm that we set the night before. I went to bed expecting to be up ALL night filled with anxious feelings and kicks from you. Surprisingly, I fell right to sleep and awoke feeling ready. That would be the first and last time I would EVER feel ready for anything related to you.  :)  We showered, packed Scott's bag ( mine had been packed for 2 weeks already even though we knew the exact date you were coming... I'm a control freak) took a quick video of  me getting ready, and drove to the hospital. 

The morning at the hospital was full of nervous laughter, hugs, and a jittery soda pop feeling in my stomach. We were so anxious to meet you, Lilly. Your nana, grandma, grandpa, aunt angie, uncle john, and aunt holly were all there. Aunt angie even made  tshirts. They wore them proudly. You've been a BIG DEAL for a long time. We prayed in the PreOp room. We prayed for your safety. We prayed for me and your dad. I was praying that I could be brave. I knew I could be brave for you. One day, when you're older I show you how big that needle was---massive Lilly bear--MASSIVE.  You were loved before you were born. 

I walked into the operating room at 7:30 am, which was weird. I would walk in as a 26 year old young woman and roll out as a mother and family of three. The doctors got me ready and joked the entire time. I was very scared--but I knew that I would soon hold you and that made everything feel better. Your dad was with us. He held my hand until you were born and then he held you. At 7:57am you were born. Everyone in the room was talking but I remember your dad speaking softly to me and saying "She's here Laura. She's beautiful and perfect. I'm so proud of you"  The doctors took special care of you.  You were folded in half for 9 months--your feet were up by your ankles.  It took you a while to realize you could finally stretch out--but you eventually did and that made me feel a lot better. Your dad never took his eyes off of you.  It was instant love and hearing your dinosaur screech cry was the most perfect sound. Looking back it's funny because you love your "Dinoooos" now. Your dad got to hold you first and he brought you to me.  My heart was full and overflowing. You were perfect.  I couldn't speak and I couldn't control the tears. Lilly you brought joy to our lives that day and you still do. You still screech like a dinosaur at times. I loved it two years ago. Period.

They placed you in my arms and wheeled us to our new room. Nurses were asking questions but I don't remember any of them.  My focus was you.  I couldn't believe you were mine. One day lilly you are going to love Christmas because of the presents and surprises. You won't believe me,  but having you was the most perfect gift I have ever received. You are a gift Lilly and Santa could never give me anything better. I was so excited to introduce you to your family. I took time to redo my hair and freshen up my mascara. The nurses took you to clean you and place a yellow bow in your hair--a special request from me. :)  We gussied up.

The rest of the day was filled with nothing but love. Everyone snuggled and held you.  You had a perfectly round head--a fun effect of being born via c-section.  Your dad gave you your first bath and you screamed your head off. It took him several weeks of just watching me give you a bath after that because he was afraid he was hurting you. You could really scream--drama, I say.

The events of the day you were born are etched in my memory.  You are amazing--sweet girl.  Thank you for being my daughter. It is so much fun to be your mommy.

I'd love to say I'm super woman and was up walking, showered, and dressed the same day after having a c-section.
Alas my cape had not yet come in and this was before leaving the hospital on day three. 

Thanks for reading!