Sunday, January 5, 2014

I'm flawed. and weight loss is not easy. and sometimes I need to slap the crazy out of my head.




Six months ago I set out to lose a significant amount of weight. I had tried several times before and failed. I had paid for WW before and gave up. I paid the monthly fee for WW for six months before I actually started using the program. hashtag embarrassing. hashtag don't tell mister ramsey.  I  made deals with my husband before to the tune of when I lose X amount of weight we can purchase ____fill in the blank___.  I'd lost weight in 2007 and I knew WHAT to do----it was simply a matter of digging deep and finding the motivation to actually do it. Please know that losing weight did NOT come easy for me. I definitely didn't just wake up one morning and say "I'm going to lose a lot of weight" and then do it. Those of you struggling? I'm right there with you.

If you're looking for a perfect weight loss story of pounds melting away, healthy foods all the time, perfect scheduled workouts....you won't find that here.  What you will find here is ME, a woman who was broken over whom I'd let myself to become. And one night finally decided to do something about it. My character is flawed.

 I am an emotional eater and food seems to be my go-to when I feel stress and anxiety. Last night----after a stressful evening I ate six pieces of pizza (45 WW Points!!Whaaatt). Yup, I still fail. This afternoon I wanted to swing by a fast food joint for lunch because the thought of fixing an actual lunch made me want to cry. dramatic. French fries will always be greater than broccoli. Ranch will always be more delicious than vinaigrette.

I don't always love my runs. I don't always feel the awesome release of stress and endorphins. It is oftentimes a constant mind game of my thoughts telling me to QUIT. WALK. You are FOOLING Yourself. Watch out, you legs are about to fall. off. Those drivers, they are laughing at you---your running form looks like that of an awkward sixth grade girl. Go ahead and just pretend to sprain your ankle to get this over with. I bet if you called Scott he'd come pick you up.

I have laid awake at night worrying about the weight returning. What if I can't keep it off? What if I give in----and slack off? What if the pounds return slingshotting me back into the self hate and bullying from last year? What if I fail in the long run? What a mess I am.

This weight loss thing? I struggle with it. Perhaps just like you.
But---here comes the puppies and rainbows.
Today I'm eating on track because of my slip up from yesterday. I didn't stop at the drive thru on the way home, I begged my husband to make lunch instead. I didn't let my HUGE slip up from yesterday derail the rest of the week. Back on the horse. NEXT MEAL. One failure will not derail the WW program. (Part of the reason I love it)

Even though some runs suuuuuuuuck, a sucky run is greater than no run. Walking a little is still better than choosing not to move at all.  The mind games? I have to recognize that they are lies. My legs are not giving up---my mind is. When this happens I listen to a favorite upbeat song by Mandisa called "Push On". On my New Year's Day run I  listened to it FIVE TIMES IN A ROW.  My next run will be better.....and if not it's still not a good enough reason to quit. Because running time????
 Is NO KID TIME. I won't ever sacrifce that. C'mon now. Hashtag that would be dumb.

I hope that the skills I've learned these past six months will not leave. I know that I'll always struggle with food, not having enough time, and comparing myself to others.  I have to have faith that God will help me and when I feel like giving up---HE WILL STILL BE THERE. And if I do gain some weight back, that has to be okay. I didn't lose any friends because I was overweight. I haven't gained new friends because I am now thinner. Love is not conditional on my size or your size.

If you're just beginning---I hope you can find hope in my words.
If you're in the thick of it----know that the things you struggle with are normal. 
If you're on the other side of the weight loss mountain---you're encouragement means the world to me and to others.


Fist bumps friends.


7 comments:

  1. I came across this post thinking that I would see you listing headbands for my baby girl or maybe that you were going back into business. Then I started reading about your journey. Sheesh. I feel like I am reading my own story, except that I am at the starting point with the weight loss. Thank you for your candid truth on such an embarrassing and degrading subject for so many of us. My kids are the same ages as yours, I have left my self employed job to stay at home, and God is working on me in big ways right now spiritually. I am in awe of your accomplishment! You have given me some motivation I have not felt in a very long time! Blessings!

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  2. Just found your blog and I'm right there with you sister! I'm on WW as well, started November 2012 and have had success, but the last few months have been HARD. Seriously hard. But, like you, I'm not giving up... it WILL get easier again. I just have to change my mind and once that happens the magic begins. Hoping today is a great day for you!

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  3. Ran across your blog, and briefly scanned through your posts! What an encouragement you are to so many women -- you are on an incredible journey taking it one day at a time -- and knowing that each day is NEW! Thank you for using the story God has given you to be real and bring others hope!

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