Sunday, September 29, 2013

Along for the ride ((birthday post))

There are moments in my days where I throw my hands up and think WHAT was I thinking having kids? Some days it seems they are out to make life really ridiculously difficult. Put shoes on. Rip shoes off. Mop the floor. Drop a sippy cup of milk. Color a picture. Step on a Barbie. Break Barbies head off. Tears. Tears. Tears.

She turned four this week. Time seems to be speeding up. I feel like I'm standing in the center of chaos and its slowly swirling around me. She turned four this week. Dang.

We celebrated. We partied. We caked. We Build-a-Beared. Lilly shone like the sun on her day. HER DAY.

As I was hurrying my little four year old off to bed this week I remember thinking about how Lilly needed to get teeth brushed, in bed, lights out quickly because I had a to do list and some new season premieres to catch. I had it planned in my head. No messing around tonight---bed. boom. freedom.

"Mommy, could you rock me tonight?"

Yes. The answer should be and will ALWAYS be yes. So I rocked her. I played with her hair and she held my hand. We rocked cheek to cheek in one of those perfect mom moments where you just want to CLICK and capture it forever. Oh, clutch my heart she was sweet as pie. She leaned up and whispered in my ear that she'd love me forever, ever, ever........

These moments---these stories....I don't want to forget them. I want to remember the things that light up their world in this stage. I want to remember what drove me bonkerbananas.

Her story and his story is amazing and awesome---because God is the author. and I'm literally along for the ride. however long, difficult, and ridiculous it might be.

Friday, September 20, 2013

It has to happen-----or I'm getting a maid

I've been waiting for something. I'm waiting for the day when it all comes together.  The day when I finally get my ISH together and have a clean home, quiet time when it is actually quiet, an empty sink for longer than 10 minutes,  a minute to exercise without a toddler attempting to jump on me, and most importantly a floor free of crumbs, rouge princess shoes, half eaten goldfish, and angry dust bunnies.

Let me's never going to happen.

There are four things that I desperately desire as a mom/wife/crazy person

1. happy family
2. artistic outlet
3. healthy body
4. clean home

I can successfully have three out of the four at any given time. However it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to have all four at once. I've been trying. Ohhhhhhh have I been trying. for approximately my 30 years. Failing each year----at something different.

For the past 4 years I put having a healthy body on the back burner....hell it wasn't even on a burner. It was buried under Dr. Pepper, ice cream binges, and Mc Donald's cheeseburgers! It wasn't important to me and I was too lazy to put in the work to change.

As time when on it was apparent that an unhealthy body had a negative effect on my "happy family". My kids were happy----but Scott and I weren't. We weren't unhappy. We weren't having troubles....but we weren't the best we could be. I was dragging us down. My self hate and victim talk wore us both out. I'd whine about not fitting in clothes. I'd cry about how ugly I felt. I'd complain and negate any compliment given to me. I'd given up......and it effected our family.

Making the change this summer to work towards a healthier me has been awesome. I'm so motivated and encouraged by the changes I see in my body. I'm down 28 pounds as of today!  ::fist bumps!!::  My relationship with my husband is improving because of a self confidence that is emerging from me. I feel good. Can I shout that? I FEEL DANG GOOD!!

Choosing to lose weight takes up time. I have to schedule time for exercise. I have to schedule time to actually make meals. It takes a lot more planning. A lot more effort. I'm so happy that I've stuck with it. Ooooh goodness was it tough in the beginning!! So many nights I wanted to just quit----but this time I didn't. I knew that I couldn't make the changes I wanted to make on my own. I'm a weakling. I prayed for the Lord to help me. He's given me strength---it's so great to just GIVE those problems to  Him.  Can I get really honest, it's probably the first time I've TRULY done that. Heyoooooo control freak.

But I can't do it all---something's gotta give.

1. happy family ( yes!! love my boogers)
2. artistic outlet ( painting my side table PLUM this evening....twelve types of excited!)
3. healthy body (werrrrrrkin on it.......)

There are cheerios all over my house. Crusted food and crayon marks on my walls. Multiple piles of laundry to be done and NONE of them actually in a hamper. Dishes in the sink from last night.  LAST. NIGHT.

But I can't have it all.

You don't, right?????!!!!

Or is it just me...

or should I hire a cleaning service.

it only makes sense.

Friday, September 13, 2013

My first before/after shot

Update: No. They still don't fit. Yes. I'm obsessing. Yes. It's a problem. Yes. I'm going crazy over rings.

Moving on...

Today marks my 13th  week on weight watchers. If you're teetering with giving it a try. My three month  opinion is DO IT. The motivation and success I'm feeling way out weigh (see what I did there ((WINK))?) the cost in my opinion. I signed up during one of their free months. I think this month is one as well?  As long as you stick with it--and do the plan by the books----you'll see results.

Wins: Went clothes shopping yesterday. Down two full sizes since June. Get the heck outta here 16's!!!!! I put ALL my 16s in a large trash bag and took them to Goodwill. They are OUT OF MY HOUSE. So freeing. I did have the moment of "But what if I gain in back? or get pregnant again? and if, if if ifffy iffety iff?" and then I swallowed the worries and kicked that  size outta my life. I'm done with it. FOREVER. Cuss word.

and ooooooooooooooooh it felt so good.

Work: Right now I'm working on running. I'd like to challenge myself to run a 5K in the late winter/early spring. Right now, I can't run a full mile start to finish without walking. I'm mostly too scared to push myself. I have this weird phobia that I'll pass out, break my ankle, or explode into glitter if I do. Gonna push through that this week. *Hopefully*

I'm enjoying this new me. I knew I was always inside of here. I was just being suffocated by fast food, guilt, and 27 pounds extra baggage.

Friday, September 6, 2013

25 wedding rings

Can I tell you that I'm frustrated?
So frustrated about something very small.

I haven't work my wedding rings since I was pregnant with Noah. They started getting really tight and uncomfortable when I was about 5 months pregnant. I took them off then and began wearing my pseudo target ring then. It didn't bother be because I was pregnant---and it was last summer when it was hotter than hell EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

After Noah was born they still didn't fit and that was okay with me because Duh, I had just given birth.

Noah turned six months and they still didn't fit and it began to bother me. I even looked into getting them resized so they were bigger so I could wear them again. We couldn't free up the cash for that so in my green velvet box they continued to sit.

Noah's first birthday came and went---I've worn four different pseudo rings because they tarnish faster than I can lose weight.

I've been nervous to try them on since I started losing weight. Nervous and excited. I CANNOT wait to wear them again. I told myself that once I lost 25 pounds I would try them on. I waited because I wanted to avoid the disappointment of losing weight---yet STILL not fitting into them.

So this morning, I hopped on the scale.....and 25 pounds are GONE. I hit that milestone today. Super stoked I hopped off the scale and beelined straight to the drawer with my rings in them. Surely after 25 pounds gone my finger would slip right into my rings.

They don't.

I'm so disappointed. This is what I was afraid of.  I'm really proud of my progress. Twenty five pounds is a LOT of weight! However, this milestone is honetsly tainted by my frustrations of those dang rings.

Just being honest today. Hills and valleys.

Hills and Valleys.

The sun will come out tomorrow.

Choose joy.

blah blah blah.