Should I start out by saying sorry? Or should I just carry on considering it's been over 5 months since I've written anything. I'd love to just dive in but I feel that I owe an explanation. I also need to hash all this out on my own.
Write it out.
I lost my voice. Not my speaking voice (don't you fret, I can still talk about nothing for hours), but my writing voice. For years writing has been a wonderful outlet for me. Sharing notebooks with friends in high school, filling prayer journals and future life plan books in college, to writing out my emotions and heart bits on this blog. There had never been an empty space in my writing until this fall when I just flat out stopped. I stopped caring. I felt like I had nothing to say. I neglected to take time to write for myself because, well? I have no good reason other than I became discouraged.
You see, writing has been and always will be therapy for me. I write because I dream, I breathe, and I have feelings. LORD do I have feelings. And this fall, I bottled them up and stopped sharing them. Forgive me because I have this sense about me that all. the. feelings are about to come spewing out.
I've been hiding from it.
I'm struggling again. The weight has come back and previous blog posts where I was all IF I CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT! Make a plan! Pray! Search for the Lord's strength! Weight Watchers! Run! YAY! RAH! feel so hypocritical right now.
I stopped WW in July because we needed more wiggle room in the budget.
I stopped running consistently after my 2nd half marathon in September.
I ate all. the. foods. all. the times. all fall. they tasted good.
And here I am. 25 pounds heavier. Discouraged. Unmotivated. BUT FEELING HONEST.
I MESSED UP.
and maybe you have as well. Perhaps it's not weight you struggle with. Or those delicious Lindt truffles that awwwww jeeeezzzz are amazing. Perhaps it's patience with your kids. Or gossiping. Or infidelity. Or Lying......or any combination. But I struggle and I know you do to--but we don't talk about it. Because we're mothers and we're the glue of the family. We hold crap together. And we fake it until we make it. Until we don't make it anymore.....
How do you get back on track when things go into tailspin? Do you really want to make changes? What gets us beyond the I SHOULD CHANGE to the I WILL CHANGE.
I've been on the top of the mountain & unfortunately ( or maybe honestly is the right word) I've bumped and backslid instead of reaching the summit.
There is accountability in my words more than my actions. That totally seems backwards, right? This fall while my running shoes sat untouched I didn't feel guilty. It was when someone mentioned my blog that guilt crept in. My blog is where I wrote about becoming healthier & during those conversations healthy choices were NOT being made. It felt fake. I was ashamed...because "oh yea, I wrote that." A post of mine started making rounds on pinterest and I felt ashamed because if they only knew ....
I hope you appreciate and can relate to my honesty. This space feels fraudulent right now---but being honest with you ( and myself) this is truly my first step in turning things around. I WANT TO MAKE CHANGES as I'm sure you do too. Let's do them together......again.