Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Finding My Joy

 When Scott and I were first dating he told me that one of the qualities that attracted him to me was my joy. He told me that I made everything joyful.   I remember being a young college kid thinking "awwwwww he's cuuuute and thinks  I'm joyful, that's like the sweetttessstttt thing everrrr!"  Yes, at 19 I spoke just like Taylor Swift.

At 28? Does he still think I'm a joyful person?  I'm scared to ask.

You see, growing older and becoming a mother has brought out this really crazy quality in me called WORRY. Oh I worry. I disguise the worry in conversations by sprinkling in words like concerned, thinking about, what if, i just don't understand, and scared. 

If I'm being honest with you, I flat out hide my joy because I'm WORRIED that the bottom is about to fall out. I'm worried that when I celebrate my joy the rug will be pulled out from under me and I'll be lying flat on my face, facing my worries.


Pain is everywhere and I'm struggling with the fact that it's okay to be happy and joyful despite pain and suffering in the world.  It just feels wrong.

I'm revealing this part of my heart with you because I want to be joyful.  Celebrating the birth of my savior this week is a JOYFUL event. Sharing the story of Jesus' birth with my two year old and listening to her say "I like jeejee!" is amazing.  My family is blessed. My heart is FULL with excitement for our next adventure. I am full of JOY today--and it is the WORRY that it will all be taken from me that prevents me from sharing my joy.

On the back of our Christmas card this year I wrote a verse from Romans that really inspired me this season. Each year I choose a life verse. I choose a verse that will be a verse that I memorize and strive to live by.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

I want to be different. I want to give my worry away. I want to be joyful.

Riding on a carousel with my mommy kind of joy.

How do you share your joy? Do you have similar struggles?

1 comment:

  1. I found your blog through your giveaway over on the Funky Vintage Lovely blog. :) I'm a fellow Hoosier too! I struggle with this same thing...in fact it was heavy on my mind today. Things are going so well for our family right now after a bit of a rough time, and I feel like I'll jinx it if I enjoy it too much. I don't feel deserving when there are so many people that are suffering. I try to just be thankful and know that God is taking care of us. Love your blog and I'm your newest follower!