Saturday, July 20, 2013

GULP......


I CANNOT believe I'm about to write this. But you know what? It's time. I'm ready.

I'm overweight and I know it. Ack!


 I have an unhealthy lifestyle. I drink way to much Dr. Pepper. I rush through the drive through several times a week when I'm alone. I blame my lack of weight loss on my children even though I've gained weight since birthing Noah over a year ago. I've allowed myself to believe my post partum anxiety following both pregnancies was to blame for not making healthy choices. Eating is my reward, punishment, last resort. and comfort. It's embarrassing and it's my truth. Here is my story in all it's glory.


 In 2007 I was a size 10. 

In 2008 I lost a ton of weight and was a size 4. I became obsessed. I lost too much weight.


 In 2009 I was pregnant and a size 12 post pregnancy.
 
 
 In 2010-2011 I fluctuated between a size 12-14.

 In 2012 I was pregnant again and since Noah haven't been smaller than a size 16.


Yup, I have the ENTIRE women's department of sizes in my closet. and NONE of them fit right. (That's hard to write)

I can justify all of my sizes until I'm blue in the face-----pregnancy, anxiety, laziness, working full time, working part time, handmade business, successes, failures. blah blah blah

But truthfully it boils down to I wasn't taking care of my body. Sure my appearance ( clothes, jewelry, make up, hair) have always been a priority to me----but my body? NOPE. I had really just accepted the fact that it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkeeddd. I  was to the point where ABSOLUTELY, I should lose weight, but NOPE I don't have time for it. Sorry, try again later.

I wasn't ready to change a darn thing---but the self hate talk kept increasing. All the inner self depreciating thoughts boiled down to the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself---but what woman has time to take care of herself and raise two children? Huh! Not me!! Once my kids were in bed it was time to watch the Bachelor and reward myself for keeping two humans alive for an additional day with dark chocolate and  a bowl of ice cream. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh five to me.



Since shutting down my handmade business, I've been doing some soul searching. I knew it was time to close those doors----I had a strong peace from the Lord about that. I found my identity in my business and stopping it, while the right decision kind of left me feeling like less of myself. What was I going to do with that time? How would I feel recharged and energized? Was seriously struggling with these thoughts for three months. Ummm, hello. Why didn't I see this before?


Last month it hit me when I saw THIS photo.  Ummmmm, hello. GET HEALTHY. LOSE THE WEIGHT.


The day after this photo was taken, my husband left for a week long business trip to St. Louis.  I was home with the kids and after I tucked them in and said prayers with them I cried.

I cried the big fat ugly tears. I silently sobbed for thirty minutes over who I had allowed myself to become.  I HATE running into people from my past because I fear what they think of me. LARGE. LAZY. FAT. UGLY.  Even writing this out----while important to my journey to change I'm worried what others will think.  Secretly hoping that no one whom I'm acquaintances with brings this up.  Side eyeing around the corner that none of my co-workers at my new job find out that I have a blog.

The thing is I want accountability, I want to share this journey with others. I want healthy. I just don't want personal friends and family to know----because what if I fail again?  Then I'll be large. fat. ugly, lazy. and a failure. I can't have that.

I'm beautiful inside. I want to feel that way on the outside as well as the inside.

I'm loved my the Lord. Created in HIS image---and I'm treating my body like crap. I'm filling it with junk and expecting magic to reverse it. I  committed to a journey to health that night after wiping the snot off my arm--classy, right? I prayed for HIS strength to help me through. I am DEVOTING myself to weight-loss.



I need your help. I always need cheerleaders. I'll be yours if you'll be mine?






7 comments:

  1. Laura--my name is Jenni Horning and I've been following your blog for several years. I found you from Beathany Hollingsworth's blog site. She and I go to church together. Ever since I first read your blog, I felt an instant connection. I am a Christian wife to two children and an elementary school teacher with VERY similar lifestyles and passions that you have. I would LOVE to connect with you in some other way than through this blog, but I'm not very savy at how to do that. I'm posting my email and text number and putting my trust in the Lord that he will keep me safe from irresponsible others that will see those, too. mommameyia@sbcglobal.net 317-902-0923 with loving arms and heart--Jenni

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, Laura--my name is Kelli and I have been following your blog for a while. I actually met you at a garage sale that Holly had a few years back. Like Jenni, I also found your blog through Bethany H. and I felt a connection with your blog for one reason or another. I work full time at the IUSM and have a 5-year old daughter and 15-mo old son. My husband is a bi-vocational, traveling pastor and is very limited on time so we often will eat quick so we can spend time doing fun things with the kids. My weight has fluxuated over the years as well. I gained 45lbs in my first preganancy and held on to 30 extra lbs after my daughter was born, but I finally found my motivation (and the time) and I managed to lose 40lbs in 6-8 months. After a horrible car accident my mom was in forced me to spend additional time with an and take me out of my very strict workout schedule, I very slowly started to gain weight. Then, I got pregnant with my son...the whole thing started again. I am now the heaviest I have ever been (size 14-16) and can't seem to find my motivation...or the time...or the...whatever! It seems to me we are in the same boat and could both use a little encouragement. If you would like to email me or call, please feel free. kelli.ramsey0916@gmail.com or 317-945-7387.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ok you go girl! Reading your story is like reading my own story. My weight has fluctuated so much since I went to college {I gained that dreaded freshman 15 or more so 25} and ever since then it has been a battle for me to lose weight! I lost a ton of weight for my wedding because I didn't want to be the "fat" one at my own wedding! I went down to 130 which is the lowest I've weighed in almost 10 years. My weight went up to 200 when I had Zane then I did the HCG diet and lost 20 lbs with that and then I got pregnant with Lilah and gained 35 lbs with her and she's now almost 9 months old and have gained weight since having her. I hit my breaking point about a month ago myself. I make all the same excuses and I am just so tired of looking at pictures of myself and saying oh my goodness I look awful. I also hate going out in public all the time because I am constantly being asked if I am pregnant... and that is completely embarrassing for me. I am uncomfortable in my own skin and I do not want to be anymore! I need motivation so badly and someone to keep me accountable! I would love to be there for you and to help you! Please email libbyslifeblog{at}gmail{dot}com and we can be each others motivators :) I am here for you mama and you are not alone!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm right there with ya sista! I actually went to college with Angie. I work full time (35 minute commute), have a husband, a daughter, and stillborn twin sons. I've gained more than 25 pounds since getting married 7 years ago and it's time for a change. It's easy for me to talk myself into it one minute (as you did above) and the next I think 3 chocolate chip cookies from McDonald's sounds really good right now too. It's hard to make time to get it done with dinner, dishes, baths, bedtime, laundry and the like, but I have realized, my husband has never complained when I say I am going to work out. Maybe I need to grab a hold of that, use it to my advantage and did those workout clothes back out! I'll join in and add my email too (all the popular kids are doing it ;) antryon at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just read this post & today I read the post saying you've lost 20 pounds. You are doing SO awesome. It's so good of you to make these changes while your children are still little so you can help them make wise food choices as they grow and they will see you doing it too - not just talking about it. Weight is such a difficult thing. Our country LOVES food and LOATHES exercise. Birthday? eat. Promotion? eat. Anniversary? eat. The main thing here? eat. So glad to see you're bucking the trend & getting healthy. You are amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  6. New Diet Taps into Pioneering Plan to Help Dieters Lose 15 Pounds in Just 21 Days!

    ReplyDelete