I CANNOT believe I'm about to write this. But you know what? It's time. I'm ready.
I'm overweight and I know it. Ack!
I have an unhealthy lifestyle. I drink way to much Dr. Pepper. I rush through the drive through several times a week when I'm alone. I blame my lack of weight loss on my children even though I've gained weight since birthing Noah over a year ago. I've allowed myself to believe my post partum anxiety following both pregnancies was to blame for not making healthy choices. Eating is my reward, punishment, last resort. and comfort. It's embarrassing and it's my truth. Here is my story in all it's glory.
In 2007 I was a size 10.
In 2008 I lost a ton of weight and was a size 4. I became obsessed. I lost too much weight.
In 2009 I was pregnant and a size 12 post pregnancy.
In 2010-2011 I fluctuated between a size 12-14.
In 2012 I was pregnant again and since Noah haven't been smaller than a size 16.
Yup, I have the ENTIRE women's department of sizes in my closet. and NONE of them fit right. (That's hard to write)
I can justify all of my sizes until I'm blue in the face-----pregnancy, anxiety, laziness, working full time, working part time, handmade business, successes, failures. blah blah blah
But truthfully it boils down to I wasn't taking care of my body. Sure my appearance ( clothes, jewelry, make up, hair) have always been a priority to me----but my body? NOPE. I had really just accepted the fact that it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkeeddd. I was to the point where ABSOLUTELY, I should lose weight, but NOPE I don't have time for it. Sorry, try again later.
I wasn't ready to change a darn thing---but the self hate talk kept increasing. All the inner self depreciating thoughts boiled down to the fact that I wasn't taking care of myself---but what woman has time to take care of herself and raise two children? Huh! Not me!! Once my kids were in bed it was time to watch the Bachelor and reward myself for keeping two humans alive for an additional day with dark chocolate and a bowl of ice cream. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh five to me.
Since shutting down my handmade business, I've been doing some soul searching. I knew it was time to close those doors----I had a strong peace from the Lord about that. I found my identity in my business and stopping it, while the right decision kind of left me feeling like less of myself. What was I going to do with that time? How would I feel recharged and energized? Was seriously struggling with these thoughts for three months. Ummm, hello. Why didn't I see this before?
Last month it hit me when I saw THIS photo. Ummmmm, hello. GET HEALTHY. LOSE THE WEIGHT.
The day after this photo was taken, my husband left for a week long business trip to St. Louis. I was home with the kids and after I tucked them in and said prayers with them I cried.
I cried the big fat ugly tears. I silently sobbed for thirty minutes over who I had allowed myself to become. I HATE running into people from my past because I fear what they think of me. LARGE. LAZY. FAT. UGLY. Even writing this out----while important to my journey to change I'm worried what others will think. Secretly hoping that no one whom I'm acquaintances with brings this up. Side eyeing around the corner that none of my co-workers at my new job find out that I have a blog.
The thing is I want accountability, I want to share this journey with others. I want healthy. I just don't want personal friends and family to know----because what if I fail again? Then I'll be large. fat. ugly, lazy. and a failure. I can't have that.
I'm beautiful inside. I want to feel that way on the outside as well as the inside.
I'm loved my the Lord. Created in HIS image---and I'm treating my body like crap. I'm filling it with junk and expecting magic to reverse it. I committed to a journey to health that night after wiping the snot off my arm--classy, right? I prayed for HIS strength to help me through. I am DEVOTING myself to weight-loss.
I need your help. I always need cheerleaders. I'll be yours if you'll be mine?