This week has been rough you guys. Shaken to my core rough. Lay awake at night thinking and thinking getting nowhere with my thoughts. Becoming tormented by my thoughts. I'm telling this to you because I KNOW you have them too. We all go through days, weeks, or months of triumphs and then we sink into the valleys and crawl our way out. I'm crawling out of one of those weeks.
Questions that won't ever be answered. Seeing dear friends in deep pain. Feeling like there must of been something I could do to help. Wishing relationships hadn't been severed. Craving the healing of the Lord but feeling distant. I've been wrestling with self doubt. I'm holding dear to relationships in which I can truly be free and second guessing ones in which perhaps I've shared too much.
Where am I going with these thoughts? I'm not really sure. I'm just pouring out my thoughts to you because you're there to listen and really that's all that we need sometimes. Someone to listen.
This week my runs were different. I felt my runs turn from something I need to do for my PHYSICAL health to something I need for my own MENTAL health. Each step was pounded out this week. I was angry. I was confused. The steps were harder than usual because all the frustrations, questions, and pain were leaving me with each stride---making myself stronger. STRONGER.
I knew I wanted to lose weight. I needed to. I couldn't handle the guilt, shame, and self hate any longer. However, never did it cross my mind on that day back in June that I'd be gaining a mental and emotional strength through this transformation of habits.