Monday, December 14, 2009

Gather's story time.

This story involes the stinker in the photos, a trusty nissan, a restaraunt off of 67, diapers, and several epic FAIL moments for dear old mom. :)

Once upon a Thursday, there was a mom who needed to deliver a dress to a friend in need. This said friend decided to meet this mother halfway between their two cities. "The restaraunt off of the 67 exit? Perfect. See you in twenty. K Bye." This mother finished snapping adorable photos of her daughter on the couch and packed her happy giggling gal into her carseat and off they went.

Five minutes into their journey, the giggling gal giggled a little too much and decided to VOMIT up her lunch, all over the carseat and adorable 'I heart santa' outfit. SICK. What was a mother on the interstate to do? She did her best one handed swipe to clean up the mess and continued on her way.

Not two mintues later, miss stink decided to take a poo. ewwww...gross lilly. Not only did the trusty nissan reek of spit now was filled with the odor of my darling's poop. sick. The mother pulled into the restaurant parking lot, which used to be a family friendly Damon's and was surprised that it had been replaced by a restaurant with HOG and BAR in the title. ( the mother doesn't quite remember the details, all she remembers is that it was NOT a restaraunt to take a poopy, vomit covered darling.) It was basically a truck stop complete with idling semis with drivers who were most likely not prepared for the AWESOME mothering skills they were about to witness.

The dress was exchanged and the friend did not stick around too long because of the FOUL and REPULSIVE odor being emitted from the backseat. She kindly left the mother to tackle the mess in the Chicco seat. Thanks. The mother went around the vehicle and climbed in the backseat not really sure how to tackle this mess. The mothering fail moments are about to begin.

The mother (oh who am I kidding, it's me, surprised? :) ). I, got out the diaper bag and pulled lilly from the seat. I decided to fold down the passenger seat instead of using the trunk (is that what the back of an SUV is called?) because it was rather FREEZING that day. The seat ALMOST folds all the way flat. I figured it was good enough. (FAIL) I sat her on the folded chair and began changing her diaper. I was rather frazzled, and neglected to put down a pad/protector for my chair. (fail moment number one) I fumbled around to change the poopy mess. She was incredibly wiggly and kept sliding down the seat that ALMOST folds flat smearing various things back onto her and the seat that ALMOST folds flat. boo.

I had the clean diaper semi attached (fail moment number two) and I decided to deal with the dirty diaper because the smell was making me gag. I thought she was good to go, so I didn't bother strapping her into that sucker quite yet. The mothers reading this are probably shaking your heads thinking...." oh no, you're going to regret that decision, missy! NEVER leave a baby with a diaper HALF on. Helllooooo." HECK the people out there reading this who AREN'T mothers are probably thinking that!!! Common Sense 101. Murphy's or Newtwon's of them? Seriously, Laura??

Moving on....

You guessed it. She pees. All over the clean diaper. All over the seat that ALMOST folds down. All over my Nissan. I clean up the mess, basically using an entire travel pack of wipes and finally get the babe FULLY diapered and the rest of the car SEMI-clean. This story is seemingly coming to a close, right? Oh no. Remember? She vomitted before. Her Carter's are covered and drenched in her regurgitated lunch. I strip her down to her diaper and go digging for the " just in case" outft in the bottom of the diaper bag. An outfit that had been quietly hanging out since week TWO of Lilly world. Since we are now embarking on week TWELVE of Lilly world....(yea, epic fail number three). It was an adorable newborn onesie, so cute-so small. I had to stuff my 11 pound darling into this onesie meant for a far more "slim" child. The poor dear could not straighten her legs. I tried stretchin that sucker out, trust me. I was faced with two options. Option A.) Stuff her into the waaaaay too small outfit with gaping snaps and deal with her whimpers and screams because she can't move. Or...Option B.) Put her back into her vomit covered 'I heart santa' outfit. I chose option A.

I snapped her up, put her back in her chicco, stuffed the NASTY diaper into a ziplock bag ( soooo did not cover up the smell), made a mental note to DEFINITELY invest in those little diaper bag diaper bags that I considered "useless" because a "ziplock bag will work just fine", gathered the vomity clothes; stuffed them FARTHER into the diaper bag, folded back up the seat that ALMOST folds flat, got out of the car shaking my head at the "fail" moments of the past 15 minutes, and crawled back into the driver seat. I drove home and was pleasantly surprised with the lack of screams I heard but rather a sweet , non-spitup covered, non-poopy, non-wet, sleeping baby in the backseat.

The moral of the story is:
1. Always put down a cover
2. Always attach a diaper COMPLETELY
3. Buy dirty diaper baggies
4. Your "just in case" outfit MUST be the actual size of your baby CURRENTLY
5. Next car you buy should not have seats that ALMOST fold down
6. Look back....and laugh

And they all lived happily ever after...

I'm off to refill my travel wipes case. :)

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