anxiety is my secret

I wrote this post in 2010. It's been sitting in my drafts folder for FOUR years. The words that I wrote four years ago still rattle in my brain today. Mental illness is scary, carries a lot of preconceived stereotypes and I believe is extremely common in women. I've battled anxiety for a long time. Why am I pressing publish now? Because it's time for me not to be ashamed anymore. I am not perfect. This is my biggest silent struggle. I'm on the other side of treating my anxiety now but I know there are mothers, sisters, and friends of mine that are not. Perhaps you are in the thick of it now....hold tight my dear. I am SAVED BY GRACE and you can be too. The darkness you feel? I can silently shake my head and say "me too".  God gives me healing and beautiful grace every day through medicine and His unshakable love for me. Reading this post from my past makes me remember how dark it was and how LIGHT IT IS NOW. Sooooo let's publish this sucker. DEEP BREATHS.

From 2010.

i've been embarrassed and ashamed about this for a long time. i've hid it from everyone.. i thought that it meant i wasn't a good mom. i thought it meant i couldn't handle things. i thought it would mean that no one would want to be around me. i thought it meant that i was crazy. i thought it meant that God wasn't enough. i thought it meant that i was an unstable person. i thought it meant that i failed. i thought it meant that i just couldn't cut it.
 

i was wrong.

it creeps in haunting my every thought. you're failing. you're awful. everyone is better without you. you're failing.  it consumes my thoughts and i feel trapped by the darkness of them. silent sobs pull from my throat and i cannot rationalize where they are originating from. the inside is hysterical and my outside knows that i'm being irrational. i then spin into a battle of wanting to disappear and knowing that I shouldn't. my heart physically hurts. it aches. my throat tightens and my breath quickens. i want it to stop. i pray for it to stop. the screams from my head are unbearable. get it together. get it together. but something is preventing me from it.

i've battled post partum anxiety since Lilly was born.

that's a hard statement to type. really hard. and even now I feel like I'm admitting that I'm a failure. but I'm not.

anxiety attacks are frequent. i can't sleep. i cry constantly. i'm even avoiding my friends. i don't want anyone to hold lilly because i'm afraid they will judge her. she's a baby! how could they judge her? perhaps they will judge me?

i can't breastfeed her. (you're failing). she cries more than my friends babies ( you're failing).

you see ,i've been lying about it to everyone. everything isn't okay. being a mom hasn't been great. it's been really hard. i've wanted to stop everything. my thoughts hold me captive most days and I know i'm not myself.

 

turning down a girls night because i'm afraid that if someone asks how I'm doing I'll being to sob? that's not me.

one morning in december i realized that i couldn't make myself get over it. if i had heart problems would i not get help? if i had trouble breathing would i ignore it and hope it went away on its own? i called my doctor and cried to her in the office for a long time. she told me it was okay. and medicine would help me get my life back.

and it did.

i've been taking the little white pill for a while now and now things are starting to get better. the fog has lifted. i feel peace and joy again. JOY AGAIN.

it's hard to swallow a pill each day to help me feel like Laura. six months in---and that's still a yucky feeling. i still hate looking at the bottle every morning. mostly because of the words that pop up in my head ( weak, crazy, unstable, imbalanced,....) but i know the pills are  helping me become a better mother and wife.

oh man, i'm never gonna publish this. but it sure feels good to type that out.

it is okay laura. God will get you through this. you are still made in HIS image. do not forget that.
DO NOT FORGET THAT.

 

Thanks for letting me share that with you today. Thanks for supporting each other. 

daily snaps v.2

That countdown should now say 4.:)

things the month of june taught me.

1.  culver's has the best marshmallow milk shakes

2. a two year old summer is magical

3. squeezable applesauce is a FANTASTIC invention.

4. visits to your college hometown will make you feel young and old at the same time.

5. i had NO idea what hot meant until this summer.

Happy Friday, friends!!

oh, and i'm lauralillypie on instagram if ya care to join.  the month of july will be full of little squishy baby pictures. ;)

learning to rest

I struggle with stress and fear--or the scary word of anxiety.

{via}

It's not healthy--but it's not uncommon
--especially in women.(me!) with small children (me!) who are passionate--read emotion-led (meeee!)
Are any of you gals with me on this?

I've chosen this life--it's mine. it's blessed. it's enjoyable. 

Since I'm 28, and therefore wise {wink}, I've learned to acknowledge my anxiety and not to ignore it.
My anxiety is thenproduct of not trusting in the  Lord.  Often the Lord is telling me something--and lately I feel like he is teaching me to REST.

I'm learning to trust instead of strive.


I'm learning to enjoy rather than push so hard.

I'm learning to focus on the moment instead of results.



 I'm contemplating  going "ready to ship" in my shop for a a while until I can get through the beginning of school ( hellloooo new grade level!!), and my first big show ( end of sept--two day sale--whomp!) and Lilly turning two.

What this means--
I'll post and list accessories that I have made and are READY to HOP out the door next day.  There will only be one and, for the time being, I won't be doing duplicate orders. When they are gone--they are gone.

I'm thinking this will only be temporary while I am gearing up for busy fall--and learning to trust God more and to REST. Going full speed ahead is really fun--until you hit the wall. or in my case worry and stress out about hitting the wall---and then hit the wall. :)

identity crisis.

So this blog and I? We've been having issues. 

Am I a  handmade shop blog?
Am I a mommy blog?
Am I  nuts?
Am I doing this all wrong?

My answer to all ?   uhh.....YES and no.
Confused? 

You see, I have a handmade shop and here is where I blog about new products, sales, giveaways, inspiration, etc.  I enjoy creating, sharing, and growing my business.  I  have big dreams for lillypie. However, lillypie is only a small fraction of my daily  life. 

a new necklace--available soon!

A large slice of my life is my family. Lilly is 12 kinds of hilarious right now and I just love writing about our adventures with my toddler-esque ways of parenting ( think meltdowns, tantrums, and naps....).

2011 Christmas Card Perhaps?

And then there is another portion of my life that remains mostly  hidden from this blog--my career as a teacher and my faith.

So while pondering  this blog I've made a decision. Why would I segregate part of myself out of my content expression when it’s such an integral part of how I do my work and live my life? I don't compartmentalize my life and my work .  My life's work encompasses all that I do.

This isn't a handmade blog.
This isn't a mommy blog.
This isn't a teaching blog.
I'm not doing this all wrong.


. Lillypie is ME.  and I'm different everyday. 

Have a wonderful {sunshine-filled} weekend!

20 months + zoo = joyful exhaustion

 Lilly is a busy 20 monther. Busy at home. Busy playing. Busy reading. Going to the zoo? BUSY. Recently, our family ventured to the zoo for the first time this season. Last year, she was a stroller baby. This year? She's a BUSY baby argh! Toddler. Waah.

I love 20 month lilly. She's wild. crazy. full of personality. 

everything gives this girl joy

snacks. bubbles. golf balls.

spending time with daddy.

The joy of a little one is contagious. I find myself getting really excited about little things now--much like Lilly. I know she's watching me and learning from me all the time--it's evident when she repeats things muttered in the car (whoopzz).  But as much as she's watching me, I'm watching her--and learning to find joy through the eyes of a child. It's healthy...

and  really refreshing.



lessons in time out

This little girl? Is ornery.

who me?

and adorable at the same time--which makes parenting firmly-- difficult.

she reads. and sticks her tongue out while doing so...COME ON. adorbs.

She's entered the pre-terrible twos-- which as a parent I'm going to say is worse than the actual terrible twos only because this is where I am. pre-ish.  She's adorable. She knows what she wants. When she doesn't get it she does one of two things.

1.) Is okay with it, walks away pleasantly and goes on being the little sweetheart that she is.

2.) Becomes she-preterrible-two-devil and throws a tantrum. Silent screams, croc tears, red face, she pulls out  all the "mahmmmmeeee,  feeellll sorrrrie fur me and let me duh wat eye wannnnnnnttttttt" tricks .

While cooking dinner last week Lilly tried to do something illegal. I don't remember now what it was, but it was most def illegal little girl behavior. I told her no. She stamped her foot and THREW her sippy cup at the floor splattering milk ( ILLEGAL!).  Before I could turn around to tell her no and take her Carters covered booty to time out, I heard little toddler steps fleeing the scene (ILLEGAL).

I had a classic mother "OH NO SHE DI'INT"  moment and went chasing after my monster.  I turned the corner expecting to see my  girl  running arms flailing  to her  "mahm kant see me in hur" place--the ball pit. INSTEAD? I find my little fugitive  sitting on her time out rug in the entry way. 

see? invisible. 

SHE PUT HERSELF IN TIME OUT. 

What more was there to do? The girl got mad. She weighed her options for reaction. She chose number 2.  Lill was okay with the consequences and dealt them-- TO  herself.  Parenting done. So I turned around and TRIED not to pee my pants while saying " That's right Lilly, that's a no no, you're in TIME OUT."

trouuuubbbbbbble.

There was nothing more to do except laugh. Silently.

type twoer for sure.

This morning in church i had a light bulb/lightning bolt moment. you know the one? the oooooooooh shooooooooooot moment and it clicks? this one bout knocked me outta the pew. good thing it didn't cause i was wearing a dress that was a tad on the short side. someone in our house doesn't know how to do laundry and likes to shrink things. ::ahem::

our minister said that when people enter a room, there are two types of people. there are the "heeeyyyllooooo I'm here!!" people and there are the "Oh! You're here people". lemme break this down a sec. it took me a while for it to sink in.

type one

the first type of people enter the room and are announcing they have arrived. i'm here and now the party can start type of people. they aren't bad people. it's just how they view a room. think the  snookie, jessica simp., lady gaga type :).

type two

the second type of people enter a room and are all about another person. they are the its-so-glad-to-see-you-people. the ones that enter a room being glad to see someone else.

since lilly-i've definitely been the "AHM! HERE! and so is mah precious baybeeee" person.  mostly because everyone is excited to see her. and selfishly i think "shouldn't they be?" she's a wee one...she demands all attention. but ya know what? if i'm honest with myself and to you, i've always been a type one person. occasionally i'm the type two, but not often. that makes me selfish. and i am. i'm selfish, vain, and a control freak. gulp....please still be my friend?!

my dad--is a type twoer for sure. he always has been. never one to command the attention of a room, but more excited to see someone else's presence. he's always greeted me with a big hug. the kind that make you warm and fuzzy. not the surface two pats on the back kind. the embrace with the extra squeeze that let's you know you're loved. that kind.

my dad is strong.

My dad is  gentle.

My dad is firm, courageous, honorable, and wise.

he's a wonderful father and even better grandfather. right now, lilly loves him for his oh-so-tuggable beard. but i'm sure in the future when she's not so "ahhh! uh beard wif tuggy thangs!!" she'll see him like I see him. a man of God with a type two entrance personality.

love you daddy.

::something to ponder--can you guess what father's day presents, lilly, yellow paint, and poison control all have in common?::

my cup overflows

When I was in college I worked at SpringHill camps. Never in my whole 27 years of existence have I felt more like I was doing what I was put on this earth to do. Never. No, I'm not just being dramatic. For reals. I lived in a tepee with nine other 5th and 6th grade girls. A different group each week. For 12 weeks. We blobbed, swam, kayaked, hiked, zip lined, bmx'd (aww yea), all while teaching them about the love that comes only from my Jesus. It was great. I miss it. A Lot. Alas, working at a camp doesn't pay all the bills. My good friend Sallie Mae came looking. Ugh, she's so nosey.

Anyway... I do have a point. I needed ya'll to know the background knowledge first. So after one week at camp a mother of one of the girls I was with the whole week came up to me with tears in her eyes and said to me " Thank you for loving my daughter this week. I pray one day you can experience the joy of seeing others love your child. " At the time, it was a touching moment that I nervously and awkwardly laughed off because I was extremely uncomfortable with this woman crying to me that I did not know. Weeeirrrrdd.

But now.

I get it.

Seeing others love Lilly is a wonderful feeling. Watching someone else's face light up at her smile is heart warming. I understand what that parent was telling me six years ago. Of course, you love your child. Of course, you cherish and bank every smile and giggle. As a parent I understand now that seeing others love your child as much as you is FULFILLING. My cup overflows. :)

How's that for warm and fuzzy on a cold February night?